Contributor:
Kidpowertool – unemployed dairy professional, lives in Key West, FL.
25 September 2009, 8:00pm
Regular readers of Specious Reasoning may have found themselves questioning the truthfulness of last week’s entry from Leadership 5 - - where L5 recounts the perfect storm of events that led to Edmund's purchase of 3 Powerball tickets at a local gas station. Our team of editors vetted the story and concluded that things went down exactly as they were told: There were indeed 3 people in line, each buying 3 of the same exact item, thus leading Edmund and L5 to the conclusion that the time was ripe to buy 3 lottery tickets.
Sadly, however, upon review of the Minnesota State Lottery website, the numbers purchased on that fateful afternoon were not winners.
This finding once again raises the question that functioned as the thread running through each of last week’s stories - - Will Edmund’s dreams ever really come true?
This remains to be seen, of course, but as of yet, there is no conclusive evidence that Edmund’s dreams will ever really come true:
Thursday Night: Edmund dreams that he paints a masterpiece.
Friday: Doesn’t happen.
Friday Night: Edmund dreams of winning the lottery.
Saturday: His numbers don’t even come close to matching.
Saturday Night: Louis the XIV (The Sun King) appears to Edmund and tells him that when he awakes, he’ll find that his truck (The General) is now made out of solid gold! But unfortunately, because gold is so much heavier than steel, it now gets miserable gas millage and the EPA confiscated it under a new Greenhouse Gas Emissions Act that President Obama has just signed into law.
Sunday: Upon rushing out the house in the morning, Edmund was equally relieved and disappointed to find that his truck was still parked in his driveway, and unlike what he was promised, it was not gold and shiny (like a truck made out of solid gold bullion), rather, it was its usual shiny red color (like the shiny red color of an aluminum wrapper on a cube of beef-bouillon).
Sunday Night: Ancient Egyptian Mummies chase Edmund through the streets of Moscow, eventually catching him and pressing him into service as their laundry-boy. He then toils for an eternity in a sea of darks, whites, colors, and Tide.
Monday: Walking into his laundry room Monday morning, Edmund is disappointed to see that Laundry Mountain still awaits his attention, and that he did not somehow spend the night Sleep-Cleaning.
Monday Night: Edmund dreams that he is a master-mathematician who has the ability to multiply 9-digit numbers in his head and solve unimaginably complicated math equations that eventually win him a Noble Prize.
Tuesday: Edmund awakes to find no evidence of any trophies or awards in the house (apart from his Chili-spoon trophy for winning the 2008 College of Visual Arts Print Shop Chili Cook-Off). There were also no messages from Norway on his answering machine, and in fact, later that afternoon, equipped with only his normal math skills, Edmund struggles to find the center of a 4-foot length of wood while building a frame in his studio - - eventually deciding that half of 48 is somewhere between 26 and 31 inches.
Tuesday Night: Edmund dreams of nothing - - he has no dreams.
Wednesday: Despite his night spent dreaming of nothing, Edmund had to do something on this day…a lot of some-things, actually. He spends the day struggling to meet deadlines, keep appointments, and finding time for lunch.
Wednesday Night: Edmund dreams that he is a stylish undercover agent for British Intelligence who foils an international plot to steal 30 million Pounds from English banks.
Thursday: Late in the morning, Edmund realizes that he had just dreamt of an episode of the BBC television series, MI5…and while standing before his wardrobe, he sees that he only has a pair of grungy Carhartt pants, and a wrinkly Dickies shirt to wear to work that day.
Thursday Night: Edmund re-dreams his dream of eating lunch and painting a masterpiece in his studio.
Friday: After the failures of each of his dreams this week, Edmund decides to skip lunch and forgo working at the studio. Instead, he spends his day drinking Tahitian Treat while doing laundry, cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming, and washing dishes. Later that evening, when his wife, LeTigre, returns home from work, she exclaims, “Wow, the house looks amazing!.... And Laundry Mountain is gone! I can’t believe that you actually did something productive with yourself today…this is a dream come true!” – KPT
I've noticed that if I eat peanut butter within an hour of my repose, I enjoy a fully conscious sleep-state. I will fall asleep like normal, however I will lie in my bunk as if I am awake, free to think my thoughts without the nattering interference of my unconscious mind. I awaken in the morning fully rested, without skipping a mental beat. It's remarkable! The only way they I can even tell that I am asleep is the fact that instead of the soft, productive ticking sound of my travel alarm clock, there is an overwhelming cacophony which sounds not unlike two sperm whales giving birth simultaneously, to each other. It works with artificial peanut butter flavoring as well, however tests with Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch brand cereal have been inconclusive.
ReplyDeleteExcellent!
ReplyDeleteI'll have to try this peanut butter sleep technique! Let me know if the Cap'n Crunch method ever works...I'd love to have a nice hot bowl of that tasty, crunch stuff right before bed each and every night!
KPT