The Adonis Factor

Editor’s Note:

What follows are the transcripts from Edmund Callipeaux’s recorded phone calls made and received between Edmund and his uncle, who is known as the Kraken, from Thursday, March 29 through Thursday, April 5, 2012.

___________________________

Thursday, March 29^th – 2:00 p.m.

“Hello.”

“Kraken, it’s Eddie.”

“What’s up, Eddie?”

“Well, your business cards are being printed at the Insty Prints in Edina. I was just down there to take a look at a proof and they look pretty good…. Better than I remember, actually.”

“And you changed them to read, Adonis Extraordinaire, correct?”

“No, they’re the same as before….”

“Well, I guess that’ll have to do. I’d like to give advanced warning via business card as of the Adonis Factor. But you’ve messed up the works on that, so that’s that.  Yep?”

“I guess. What else is going on?”

“Well, me and the missus are heading up to Barnes for a long weekend. I might have put a couple of Rib Eye’s in the cooler for when I'm in my Leptin Window, and we’re looking at nice weather...maybe a little golf.”

“Life is good.”

“Yep. Call next week when the cards are ready. I can pick them up, or you.”

“Sure.”

“Yep. Talk to you after a while.”

“Okay, ciao.”

[End call]

Proposed business card design.

Monday, April 2^nd – 11:45 a.m.

“Yeah, what’s up?”

“Kraken, it’s Eddie.”

“Yeah, Easy, what’s up?”

“I have your cards in hand.”

“Where you at?”

“I’m down in Edina near hwy 100 and 72^nd street.”

“I’m on 50^th just east of 1-hundred, heading toward my house. How do the cards look?”

“Good…. Great…actually! They did a stellar job. Better than the other place before.”

“But no mention on the cards of Adonis or Hercules, or, who’s that other guy?”

“The Kraken?”

“Oh, yes! The Kraken, by which you mean, me! - WHO’S BAD? - I sometimes fail to remember that I am an ancient being who commands all the forces of the land and the sea and that all living things tremble in my presence! In fact, just last night, I was perusing the North Sea (on my usual nightly patrol of all the 7 seas) and what should I find but a bait ball made up entirely of Humpback Whales!”

“That must have been quite a sight!”

“It was, indeed! However, I only briefly glanced at it before I gobbled it up! Over a thousand of them by my rough count! I made quick work of them - - devoured them at one fell swoop…. They never knew what hit them; those poor bastard whales!”

“And you’re not one to exaggerate….”

“Moi? I should say not! If I were to exaggerate, I might have said that there were 10,000 or even 100,000 Humpback Whales in that bait ball! (However, my sister has on many an occasion said that a good story isn’t worth telling unless it’s filed with lies.) No matter: it might have been 1 million Humpback Whales, I would have eaten them all the same!”

“No doubt….”

“Let me know if you eat a million of anything, let alone a million fish that are each the size of a semi-truck trailer, and then you can tell me how you feel. After last night’s bait ball buffet, I had to call it an early night…. I missed, Dancing with the Stars!”

“Whales aren’t fish, they’re mammals.”

“Listen, you’re talking to someone.... No wait, I’m an entity! You’re talking to an entity whose been around since before we decided to make the distinction between fish, mammals, birds, etc., etc.!”

“Touché, Kraken. However, I have your cards, and I’ll meet you at your house in 20 minutes.”

“Sounds good.”

“Ciao.”

“Yep.”

[End call]

Artist's rendering of a Humpback Whale Bait Ball.

Wednesday, April 4 – 10:33 a.m.

“Hello, Kraken….”

“…. Okay, now…[click]”

“He hung up on me!”

[End call]

Wednesday, April 4 – 10:36 a.m.

“Eddie, did you call me?”

“Yeah….”

“I don’t have my glasses and I couldn’t read the Caller I.D. so I thought I was sending it to voice mail but I answered it instead and then I hung up. I’m on a job right now, what’s up?

“I’m working on a project at school, helping hang artwork in the gallery, and I’m wondering if the laser level is available for me to use?”

“Sure, not an issue.”

“For maybe a week or so…?”

“Not an issue. Keep it as long as you need.”

“Great. Thanks.”

“In fact, I can maybe bring it to you. Where you at?”

“Over by the Cathedral, in St. Paul.”

“I’ll be over on Como Avenue in St. Paul later this afternoon.”

“That’s close-ish to school.”

“When you going to be at your house?”

“I’m planning to be over there between noon and 2 today.”

“I’ll bring it over then! I’ll be driving through your neighborhood anyway.”

“But I might not be there until 1.”

“Don't make me no never mind. If you’re there, you’re there, if not, I’ll leave it in its case at your front door.”

“Okay, thanks a lot!”

“Yep. Talk to you after a while.”

[End call]

The Laser Level!

Wednesday, April 4 – 12:30 p.m.

“Hello.”

“Kraken, how it going?”

“I’m held up on this job and it’s looking like I won’t be able to stop by this afternoon. Are you around tonight?”

“I have class until 6…. Should be home by 6:30.”

“Alright, I’ll bring the laser level by then.”

“Sounds good. I was going to run to the grocery store before school starts at 3.”

“You do that, and I’ll see you later tonight.”

“Sounds good, thanks.”

“Yep.”

[End call]

Thursday, March 29 – 6:30 p.m.

“Easy!”

“Kraken!”

“What are you doing tomorrow night?”

“Hmm…. It’s beginning to sound like I’ll be hanging around with you.”

“Well, this time tomorrow night, I plan to be just south of where the 45^th parallel and 93^rd meridian intersect…. Not far from your house according to my internal map.”

“Storms in the North Sea keeping you from your usual Friday night schedule?”

“No, not necessarily. An immortal being, such as myself, don’t pay no heed to mere North Atlantic storms. If the bait ball is big enough, not even a storm the size of the one that brought down Atlantis could hold me back. And I should know.... Not only was I the cause of that ill-fated storm, I was also instrumental in establishing Atlantis as a world-class underwater destination city! I sit on the Atlantis board of tourism!”

“What’s on for tomorrow night then?”

“Well, one of your aunts has been talking to another one of your aunts and we may go out. Nobody tells me anything, so I really don’t know.”

“Hmm…. Count us in. We’re intrigued and in the mood to go out. I’ll call tomorrow and figure out how to connect after work.”

“Yep. Talk to you after a while then.”

“Yep.”

[End call]