10 May 2009 – Happy Mother’s Day
Announcement:
It gives me great pleasure to introduce the Edmund Callipeaux Office of Greenhouse Gas Offset: Promoting Leisure and Deadbeatism (E.C.O.G.O.L.D. or EcoGold).
Preamble:
A little less than three years ago, Edmund and LeTigre Callipeaux moved into their St. Louis Park home. During the search for this house, Edmund had one requirement: find a house with the smallest yard possible. The reason being is that since Edmund was a child, he’s intensely disliked lawn mowing. In Edmund’s mind, a small yard = less lawn mowing = merriment. Therefore, by the Transitive Postulate of Algebra (if A = B, and B = C, then A = C) a small yard is a source of merriment for Edmund.
After an exhaustive search of homes within the Twin Cities area, LeTigre and Edmund found the house of their dreams: A Mid-Century Modern Atomic Ranch House.
However, it is a house with a big, Big, BIG yard.
Plug these factors into our formula: (A) big yard = (B) lots of mowing = (C) misery.
Hector: Edmund’s lawn mower. Named after the famous Trojan Hero who defeated Achilles.
Sadly, it is Edmund and not the lawn mower that represents a tragic mythological being. Each day, Edmund mows his massive lawn – beginning at one end and finishing at the other. Only to begin again the drudgery of the mowing as by the time the yard is completed, the place where he began has begun to grow tall again. In this way, like Sisyphus, Edmund mows his lawn, without pause and without hope of reprieve - endlessly pushing Hector around the yard until that time of Judgment Day, when the angels sing and trumpets sound.
Overture:
Hector is a beast of a machine that coughs and spurts carbon dioxide and other disgusting greenhouse gases into the atmosphere as it hacks away at the blades of grass. A recent study has shown that over the course of one year, Hector emits 88,000,000 metric tons of harmful carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases. That is the equivalent of driving a fully loaded (with power windows and AM/FM 8-Track player) 1979 Pontiac Grand AM that has no muffler and no catalytic converter, over one trillion miles. That’s the same as driving said gas-hog 580,000 times around the Earth, or 48 hundred times to and from the Moon.
Solution:
Given the egregious nature of Hector’s emissions, EcoGold has been established and I will function as the newly appointed chief managing office manager (or Chief M.O.M.).
Your Opportunity:
The mission of EcoGold is to provide Greenhouse Gas Offset Credits, at fair market value, to members of the general public.
Edmund Callipeaux has pledged to cease all lawn mowing activities at once. This heroic suspension will greatly reduce Hector’s emissions of deadly Greenhouse Gases. Given Hector’s projected 20-year lifespan, Edmund's reduction of carbon dioxide output will be responsible for delaying the Total Destruction of the Earth by more than 120 million years!
Hector will remain in the garage each summer and Edmund will devote his time to leisure and practice of the game Blokus.
As the newly appointed chief managing office manager, I can offer to you the opportunity to purchase Edmund’s Greenhouse Gas Credits to offset your own carbon footprint.
At the fair-market-value of $680.00 per metric ton offset credit.
Now when you toast a slice of bread (28 metric tons), toast two pieces of bread (82 metric tons), turn on your television (120 metric tons), or take a hot shower (540 destructive metric tons of Greenhouse Gases) – you’ll rest easy knowing that you’ve offset your emission with EcoGold!
For more information regarding EcoGold and the purchase of these valuable credits, contact me directly via e-mail at:
Guy Cheblo
EcoGold/Chief M.O.M.
guy.cheblo@gmail.com
Warmest regards,
Guy
Edmund and Letigre Callipeaux's yard: A view looking north and east.
A view of the yard looking west.
Peppers and Clyde: Two magical helpers who manage yard duties.
Joey and Snickers: Mischievous devils who create havoc in the yard.
I'm in! I'd like to offset as many metric tons as you've got, er, as many as you won't be creating!
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