Jasper Willoughby – Edmund’s art studio neighbor, sculptor, lives in St. Paul, MN.
Chili Pie – taconite plant floor manager, amateur arborist, lives in Rochester, MN.
Kidpowertool – unemployed dairy professional, lives in Key West, FL.
______________________________
Editor’s Note: Edmund Callipeaux’s art studio is located in a warehouse in St. Paul, Minnesota. Jasper Willoughby has a studio in the same building, directly across the hallway from Edmund’s. We asked Jasper to be an I-reporter for our blog – to give us his take on Edmund’s working habits. – KPT
Jasper Willoughby – 30 March 2009, 8:30 p.m.
I met Edmund Callipeaux about a month ago, as I was moving into my new sculpture studio. After shaking hands and exchanging names, Edmund answered a few of my questions about the building (regarding neighbors, security, etc.).
“One funny thing about this warehouse is that on first floor there is a shop that sells scooters; my studio mates and I moved in here just over a year ago from another studio warehouse that also had a Scooter Shop on its first floor. What are the odds of that?” Edmund explained as he described the warehouse.
I thought that was mildly interesting.
Edmund went on to say, “That reminds me. A long time ago, my wife and I lived in an apartment that was a former dentist’s office. It was a weird place; the waiting room was our living room. I went the whole year we were there without ever touching any of the walls out of fear of having some sort of tactile paranormal connection with all the spirits of the screaming people that the dentist worked on.
“The funny thing is, when my wife and I moved from that dentist’s office apartment down to Rochester, we moved into a two-bedroom place that was above a dentist’s office! Can you imagine the odds?”
I said, “Wow.”
“Everything is connected. Isn’t it?” Replied Edmund.
I said that at least he wouldn’t have had to go far for his yearly check-up.
“Yearly check-up, oh yeah, right,” Edmund replied. “Actually, I don’t do dentists…. I’m on the waitlist at the Mayo Clinic for Head Transplant Surgery. So, once technology catches up, I’ll get a whole new head and it’ll have a new set of teeth in it!”
I thought there was something about his plan that didn’t make sense. But, I had just met Edmund, so what right did I have to start telling him how to run his life?
Today, I saw Edmund in the hallway and asked him what role he played in this blog (apart from being its subject). He said that he doesn’t know a much about it - but that he submits a written contribution from time to time.
He then added, “The writing I’ve done so far has been pretty minimal. The big thing that I’ve been working on…and I’ve been putting in lots of time in on this...is a survey: 50 Questions to Determine if Your Life is Worse than Jerry Maguire's.”
That might be somewhat interesting to read. – JW
______________________________
Chili Pie – 1 April 2009, 10:00 a.m.
On a sunny afternoon this past September, I had lunch at a diner in Minneapolis with Edmund Callipeaux and his two cousins, M.C. RibEye and Killdozer. As our food arrived at our table, Edmund began to outline a plan he had recently developed in his role as my daughter’s Godfather.
“Pie-Man, I’ve been giving a lot of thought to what this whole Godfather business means. It means so much to me that you and Lunchikong asked me to be Sweet Pea’s Godfather! And thus, I’ve asked myself over and over: what’s the most important thing I can offer? Presents? Money? Fun outings to the park and/or the zoo? More presents?
“I know that the answer is yes to all these questions. They’re all important. But, pretty much anyone can do all those things. So, I’ve been asking, apart from presents and stuff like that, what more I can do?”
Edmund paused briefly to take a look at the cheeseburger and French fries that were placed before him by our server.
Taking Edmund’s silence as a solicitation for problem solving ideas, Killdozer said, “Maybe you could also buy her a pony?”
M.C. RibEye agreed that she’d most definitely like a pony in addition to all the other gifts. He added, “Make sure you get her one that’s wearing a little cowboy hat.”
Edmund replied, “Yes. Yes, ponies with little hats are good. But where does it all lead to?”
“You could get her an iPhone too,” said M.C. RibEye.
Edmund replied again, “Look. You guys are missing my point…let me explain. Sure, I will get her a whole mess of stuff. But the question I’ve been asking myself lately is what will be the outcome, or the product of me giving her all those presents?”
Edmund paused as we considered the question.
Killdozer eventually said, “She’ll think that you’re the coolest guy on Earth?”
“Exact-me-ly!” Exclaimed Edmund with his mouth filled with French fries.
Swallowing his food, he said, “I’ll be the coolest guy on Earth: (a) I’ll buy her a bunch of stuff and (b) Everything we’ll do together will always be fun!”
Reaching for his soft drink, he proceeded to say, “But then I thought to myself…if I’m the coolest guy on Earth, what sort of options are then open for me to maneuver in? What more could be done if I were to find myself in that sort of role?”
Scanning the table to look us each in the eye, he said, “If you truly love someone, that love generally involves some sort of sacrifice, where his or her welfare is put above that of your own. Right?”
The three of us nodded in agreement.
Edmund continued, “So, knowing that I’ll be the greatest guy in the world, I’ve been thinking to myself, how could that be sacrificed for her benefit?”
He paused as we all considered his question.
Seeing our blank expressions, he said, “Now, I’ve given this important matter a lot of thought, and the other day, I came up with the answer!”
Edmund leaned forward in his chair, “Follow me on this one and I think that you’ll agree that this plan is flawless: Okay, as we’ve outlined, over the next several years, I will shower Sweet Pea with gifts each time I see her. The iPhone; the pony with the hat; toys; toys; toys; I’ll buy her a goddamn Fuzzy Pumper Barber Shop if that’s what it’ll take to keep her happy.”
He took a sip from his water, “Plus, multiple trips to the park; the zoo; the movies; out for ice cream; trips to the arcade; the works; and I’ll give her money all the time too…kids love to have their own money – a little folding cash, if you follow me?”
“You could take her to the Science Museum,” added M.C. RibEye.
“And what about Monster Truck Rallies?” Asked Killdozer.
“Sure,” replied Edmund, “Whatever the hell kids are into these days.”
Killdozer then proceeded to imitate a bellowing announcer’s voice, saying, “We’re going to turn the Metro-Dome into a giant mud pit…mud pit…mud pit….”
As Edmund was biting again into his cheeseburger, he said, “Sure. At any rate, this will go on for many years. Every time I show up for this or that event: presents, presents, presents, and fun, fun, fun. She’ll think I’m the greatest guy on Earth.” (He banged his fist on the table each time he said the words presents, fun, and Earth.)
Now, with his mouth full of food again, Edmund said, “Then, when she’s about twelve or thirteen, everything changes - and this is where the sacrifice comes in!”
“You buy her a house?” Asked M.C RibEye.
“A speedboat?” replied Killdozer.
“You pay for her college education?” I said. (I hoped it would be that one.)
“No. No. And no. You guys are missing my point!” Replied Edmund, “I start doing heroine!”
Pause.
I looked at Edmund as he sat across from me at the table with catsup and mustard all over his face, and I said, “I’m not sure I follow you there, buddy.”
“It’s the perfect plan!” Exclaimed Edmund, “I spend years working at becoming the greatest guy in the world, and then I throw it all away…for her, for my Godchild, for Sweet Pea!”
Pause again.
“I’m intrigued. Explain further,” said M.C. RibEye as Killdozer nodded in agreement.
Edmund continued, “Starting up a really mean drug addiction will ruin my life. That I understand. But bear with me as I explain why it’s worthwhile: I’ll lose my job, LeTigre won’t put up with it for a minute and she’ll leave me right away, and my health will suffer greatly. I’ll have no money and eventually (within a very short period of time) I’ll be living on the streets. I’ll be a total mess and everything will go to hell.
“Every time I see you guys down in Rochester, I’ll always be all hopped up and out of my mind and totally out of control. Plus, my physical state will degrade quickly and I’ll be nothing but skin and bones and all gaunt looking. And I’ll never bathe or wash my clothes either; I’ll reek to high heaven!”
“That sounds terrible, Edmund,” I said.
“I know! Isn’t it great?!” Edmund replied.
He continued to say, “I was thinking, Pie-Man, that my plan would culminate in me showing up one night, completely unannounced at your house in Rochester. I’d be totally messed up and I’d barge in on your family dinner. You’d fake like you were upset with me and the two of us would get into a tussle. We’d be yelling at each other and I’d hit you really hard right in front of Sweet Pea. Then the cops would come and take me away. They’d find a whole slew of drugs and crap on me and I’d totally be arrested.”
Edmund paused to stuff the rest of his cheeseburger into his mouth. And I was beginning to see where he was going with all of this.
He continued, “Seeing all this, Sweet Pea would be completely crushed. She’d hate me even more acutely precisely because she had loved me so much!”
Handing his plate to our waiter, he said, “She’d be like: ‘I totally hate Eddie! I’M NEVER GOING TO DO DRUGS IN MY WHOLE LIFE!!!’
“And then, my friends, my work will have been done. Mission Accomplished (as George Bush would say).”
Edmund leaned back into his chair with his Coke-a-Cola and said, “Kids today are way too overexposed to all these bad things at school and on the playground. You know…peer-pressure? Her seeing this Great Man, me, reduced to a pile of drooling mush and having a complete nervous breakdown in the back seat of a squad car will save her from all that crap!”
Edmund closed his eyes as if he was picturing the moment in his mind’s eye. Silence followed as we each pondered his outrageous plan.
After several minutes had passed, M.C. RibEye said, “I don’t see any flaw in that plan, Eddie. There’s no way that it wouldn’t work…and I can’t see anything but good coming from it.”
Killdozer added, “It’s tuff to be a middle-school kid these days. With that plan, it seems that it’ll be a bit rough going for Sweet Pea for a little while, but if it saves her from all that crazy crap, she’ll thank you in the end.”
Opening his eyes, Edmund replied, “I know.”
The waiter brought our check to the table and I decided to pick up the tab for the meal. As crazy as it sounds, if Edmund is prepared to go to such lengths for the benefit of my daughter, I figured that buying the madman and his cousins lunch would be the least I could do. – CP
______________________________
Kidpowertool – 1 April 2009, afternoon
Edmund Callipeaux’s second-most favorite quote:
All the world’s great have been little boys who wanted the moon; running and climbing, they sometimes caught a firefly. But if one grows to a man’s mind, that mind must see that it cannot have the moon and would not have it if it could – and so, it catches no fireflies. – John Steinbeck, from the novel “Cup of Gold”
______________________________
Toys! Toys! Toys!
No comments:
Post a Comment