Count Manchego – 5 years old, Paleontologist, Star Pupil of the Day at La Crèche KinderCollege, Oct. 2nd, 3rd, and Nov. 25th. Lives in St. Paul.
Merle Higgins – curmudgeonly outdoorsman, lives in Minneapolis
Guy Cheblo – chef, corn expert, adventurer, lives in New York, NY.
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Count Manchego – 6 March 2009, Naptime
My Mommy brought me over to visit Uncle Eddie today. He was downstairs, in the basement busting up this big castle! He had a giant hammer that he was using to blow up the walls of the fortress and I could hear all the knights and army guys fighting back to defend their kingdom.
He stopped to tell me to not to get too close to the rubble. I wasn’t going to go over there anyways, because I knew that a dragon would probably attack him for messing up the kingdom. Then I got some cookies and when no one was looking, I left a cookie on the wrecked castle to help feed all the poor people who’d just lost their home. – CM
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Merle Higgins – 6 March 2009, 7:30pm
I stopped by the old Callipeaux place earlier today only to find Edmund tearing out an old cement washtub from his laundry room. He was busting the damn thing up with a sledgehammer and making a hell of a mess.
Startled at my sudden appearance at the foot of his basement stairs, Edmund said, “Merle! I didn’t hear you come in.” At which point he looked around at the mess and added, “I was just going to take a break. Do you want a glass of ice water?”
“It’s after three o’clock, don’t you have anything a little stronger to offer me?” I replied.
Walking upstairs to the kitchen, Edmund poured himself a glass of water and reached in the fridge to grab me a beer.
Extending some fancy “European” dark beer to me, I said, “You don’t expect me to drink that, do you? And besides, didn’t I just say that it’s after three o’clock…don’t you have anything a little stronger?!”
Pulling down a bottle of Canadian Club from the cabinet above the fridge, Edmund said, “What are you up to today, Merle? You just missed my sister and her five year old son.”
He clunked some ice cubes into a glass and I said, “You should have called me…it’s pretty clear that you don’t know what you’re doing down there. Why do you have that garbage can next to the front door of the house?”
Handing me my drink, he said, “I’m breaking up the tub with a hammer and throwing the pieces into the bin after I carry them up the stairs in 5-gallon buckets.”
Looking at the meager drink Edmund had given me, I said, “Gimme that damn bottle.” Reaching into the cupboard for a tall glass, I poured myself a proper drink, and I said, “So, Mr. Iknowhowtodoeverything, what’s your garbage man going to say when he’s out there trying to lift a two hundred pound trashcan?”
The hippy freak didn’t have much to say to that!
We walked back down stairs and I looked at the mess. I didn’t want to ask, but I did anyway, “Do you know anything about plumbing - like hooking up the drainpipes for the new washtub?”
I knew the answer before the fool even opened his mouth to respond. He don’t know a damn thing about plumbing! He just tore out a perfectly good old tub because it didn’t fit with his yuppie tastes.
I said, “Okay, smart guy, so how are you going to plumb out the new drainpipe and water fixture?”
He told me that he had a “how to” book on plumbing from Home Depot. I then said, “A book from Home Depot? Are you insane?”
I walked upstairs to get some fresh ice and poured myself another whiskey, and I thought: Hell, I can’t believe this. Doesn’t know a thing about plumbing, doesn’t know a thing about drainpipes. Doesn’t know anything about nothing!
I walked back downstairs where Edmund had resumed busting up the old tub. I saw that he had a propane-soldering torch on a table right near where he was swinging the sedge. Looking down at his pile of rubble, I said, “Edmund, why is there a goddamn cookie sitting on top of that chunk of concrete?”
Before he could answer, I downed my drink and got the hell out of that basement, and I got hell out of that house! There’s no way that freak-who-thinks-he’s-mister-fix-it is going to drag me into to doing all his work for him. I’ll have to watch the ten o’clock news tonight to see if any houses in St. Louis Park either blew up or burned to the ground. There should be a law against selling propane-soldering touches, sledgehammers, and “how to” plumbing books to guys like Edmund Callipeaux. Anyone with those three items in their cart at the checkout counter should be immediately arrested. – MH
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From an e-mail between Edmund Callipeaux and Guy Cheblo
6 march 2009
from: guy.cheblo@gmail.com
to: edmund.callipeaux@gmail.com
date: Fri, Mar 6, 2009 at 12:52 PM
subject Re: Question?
mailed-by gmail.com
12:52 PM (6 minutes ago)
Reply
Edmund:
I do not think that it is advisable for you to do this work yourself. Call a plumber! You're the only guy I know who could simultaneously cause a flood AND set his house afire! Think of what LeTigre will do to you if you destroy her basement!
CALL IN A PROFESSIONAL!
Warmest regards,
Guy
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from: edmund.callipeaux@gmail.com
to: guy.cheblo@gmail.com
date: Fri, Mar 6, 2009 at 12:27 PM
subject: Question?
mailed-by gmail.com
12:27 PM (28 minutes ago)
Hello Guy,
Say, do you know anything about replacing old washtubs? We have this monster of a cement washtub in our basement and it has a huge crack that I just made bigger by trying to unclog its drain with a plunger. I must have plunged too much, because now it's leaking all over the floor. So, I think that I can't put off replacing it any longer.
Any ideas? The thing is huge and it looks pretty heavy. I doubt I'd be able to lift it. How do you get something like that up the stairs and out of the basement? Also, all the pipes leading to the tub are all green and corroded, and they look like they need to be replaced.
Any suggestions?
Best,
Edmund
P.S. I decided not to take your advice about throwing out water softener salt pellets to melt the snow. I know that shoveling is a drag, and I would enjoy the freedom of never having to shovel again, but I think that dumping a fifty-pound bag of water softener salt pellets on my driveway might be bad for the environment or something. – EC
The new washtub as installed by Edmund Callipeaux
for those who know how to plumb, we salute you!
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