A Christmas Tale

Picture in your mind that I am dressed as Santa Claus; Old Saint Nick; Kris Kringle himself! But not the Father Christmas you know from Coca-Cola ads or Macy's department store. 

This Santa looks more like the one Dan Aykroyd played in the movie Trading Places. His red suit is filthy and he's belching through his messed up beard that's embedded with chunks of egg salad from yesterday's lunch.

He lets the whiskey bottle roll out of his hand and he slowly reaches into a grimy duffle bag of presents. Very slowly, he withdraws a long, thin wooden baton from the bag and the crowd gathered around him gasps in unison.

A child cries, "That's not Santa!"

A man yells aloud, “Oh my god, it's SIBELIUS!!!!”

“Yes, it is I, Sibelius! I fooled you all! MwahahahahaHAH! BwahaHAHA!

“MwahahahahaHAH! BwahaHAHA!

“And you are all now unwilling participants in the debut of Sibelius' newest opera, The Stein Traveler's Apprentice! Mwah! HA!

“It's the terrible story of Germany's greatest beer stein maker who travels back in time, meets Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, teaches the young Mozart the art of stein making thus causing Amadeus to abandon his life of music, and thus leaving me, Sibelius, as the greatest composer of all time! Mahayana haha bwah agh!”

Or picture this: You step into an elevator at the Empire State Building and the elevator attendant is rather disheveled and drunk-looking.

You ask him to press the button for the top floor and he lets out a little maniacal laugh.

He reaches into the breast pocket of his bellboy uniform and withdraws a long, thin, lacquered wooden stick. The other passengers of the elevator gasp in unison.

"It is I, Sibelius! Bwahuzzah!

"You are all trapped in the elevator with the greatest composer of all time!

"Your screams and cries of terror will form the libretto to my new operetta score entitled, One Hundred and Two Floors of Agony! Hooaugh-gah!"

Or picture this: You're downtown Seattle and you get into a cab and say, "Take us up to Kokomo's Seafood restaurant on 187th street." As the cab pulls away from the curb, the doors lock and the car’s windows roll themselves up. From the back seat, you see in the lights of oncoming traffic, the silhouette of your driver's hand holding a long, thin wooden stick. 

Or picture this: You sit down on a bar stool and order a Moscow Mule. The bartender, who smells heavily of licorice and looks like he hasn't slept for days, tries to suppress a maniacal laugh.

Or picture this: A long, thin wooden stick passes between your eyes and the book you are reading as the library you are sitting in blows up to the sound of maniacal laugher.

Or picture this: The entire Earth blows up. "Bwah ahaha fwah!"

Or picture this: You lean back in your chair after finishing the most delicious meal of your life. Your waiter appears at the table and before he speaks, he extends his hand and lightly taps the rim of your wine glass with a long, thin wooden stick. The people at the neighboring tables gasp in unison.

"It is I, Sibelius, and you, my poor friend, have just ingested a large amount of the world's most deadly poison! Bwaahaha shwa aha!

"And it is only I, Sibelius, who is in possession of the antidote! Bla-oo-ah! Haha!" He leans down close to your shoulder, swiping his baton and knocking the plates and glasses to the floor, until he is pointing at a grand piano at the far end of the room.

"Unless you wish to be dead one hour from now, you must perform Sibelius' newest grand waltz, Death By Gazpacho in D Minor!

“Bwahuzzah! You must play to Sibelius' liking!"

"For it is I, Sibelius, and you are all doomed! Doomed!" These are the final words the world hears after the man holding a long, thin wooden baton, who was once thought to be a disheveled-looking Francois Hollande, and who moments before had revealed to the public that the Paris Climate Accord was nothing more than an elaborate hoax orchestrated by the greatest conductor of all time so that he could save the Earth only to destroy it later while performing the grand finale to the greatest concerto of all time!

He then ended the news conference by exclaiming, "Blaugh HAHA gwah fwah A-HA!"

Or picture this: You awake in a hospital bed encased in a full body cast.

Or picture this: You awake to find a live Bengal tiger in your bedroom.

Or picture this: You awake one morning to find that your memory has been completely erased.

Or picture this: You're lying in your hospital bed, watching TV through the eyeholes of your full body cast.

A television news crew is broadcasting live a police raid on a local home that you suddenly recognize as the house where you live!

Or picture this: You're at an FBI office and the head agent is addressing the other agents, "We got a tip from a neighbor who didn't recognize him until they saw the long, thin wooden conductor's baton. Nevermind that there has been an entire orchestra going in and out of the back door of the house for the last 2 months.

"During that same time period, it seems that the owner of the house has been in the hospital with amnesia after being attacked in his bedroom by a Bengal tiger.

"We found the house completely empty apart from 4 or 5 dozen folding chairs and sheet music stands that were found in the basement.

"And there was an audio recording left on the conductor's podium. Which I will play for you right now...."

“...Bhaha gwah aha! Once again, it is I, Sibelius, who has slipped through your fingers, chief inspector, proving yet again that it is Sibelius who is the greatest composer of all time! Grwahaha!

"The world is truly my stage and the police are feeble minded fools who will never stop me! Haha flawguah!!!

“...It is the story of how Sibelius' Bengal Rhapsody was written in South Minneapolis and why it is the greatest rhapsody of all time!!!

“Goo-augh flawguah! A-HA!!!

“Bwahuzzah gwagah ha-cha!!!”

Or picture this: You're listening to Classical MPR and the Ode to Joy. Fred Child comes on at the end, saying, "That was Sibelius' 9th Symphony, otherwise known as the Ode to Gwahah Joy, performed by the London Philharmonic."

“It's the greatest mystery the maestro has ever concocted! Gwahah Hahah Jawagh!”

Or picture this: You're in New York and the Metropolitan Opera has just completed a matinée preformance of Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker Suite when the actor who played the Rat King rushes back onto the stage, throws back his costume, and exclaims, "It is I, Sibelius, and you all have 20 seconds to live!!! Gwahah Aha Crwawr!"  

Or picture this: You're in the comfort of your own home, snuggled up with your favorite special somebody on the couch, watching your favorite TV show of all time, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, when you feel the presence of someone standing directly behind you. Actually, rather than feel their presence, you smell the presence of hot licorice, spiced ham, and gingivitis. A crude, smelly voice whispers in your ear, "It is I, Sibelius, the Heat Miser from your television show, you will now unwillingly assist me in delivering the worst nightmare to every child in the world! Gwarawdawa!!! Prepare to play the violin as you have never done so before! You will play for the children!!!! Hughghughgawe!"

Or picture this: You're lying in bed, wondering what your life would be like if your name was Horst Lundegaard.

Yellow, jaundiced eyes appear in the darkness. The smell of licorice fills the room.

You hear a voice count down from ten, "…the 10, the 9, the 8, gwah..," and you're fast asleep before the next fwakgwaw is uttered. 

You dream of the Pickle Ornament.

You awake in Vienna, home to Mozart, Beethoven and Strauss. You hold in your hand the last known violin constructed by Antonio Stradivari. Hanging around your neck is a large clock with lead wires to 10,000 sticks of TNT piled at your feet.

On a music stand before your eyes lay the sheet music to Sibelius' grand violin sonata entitled, The Day 10,000 Sticks of TNT Blew Up the Last Stradivarius Violin!

The maestro taps his long, thin wooden baton on the metal of the conductor's stand, thus calling the gathered audience to attention.

He clears his throat, "Hawgware...nmbmum."

The smell of licorice and gingivitis fills the air.

Suddenly, the room goes dark and there is a loud crash!

After a moment's time, the lights go up and Santa Claus is standing at your side! "Don't worry kid, this is a Christmas miracle!"

In Horst Lundegaard's voice, you respond to Santa by saying, "Let's blow this place, Santa!"

"Not so fast," replies Frosty the Snowman as he magically appears in front of you. With one snip of Frosty's blue-handled wire cutter, he cuts the yellow lead wire, thus stopping the clock and defusing the bomb. "Now, we can blow this place, boss."

And so you, as Horst Lundegaard, Frosty the Snowman and Santa Claus save the last Stradivarius violin.

It's also the beginning of the story of how you, Santa and Frosty saved Christmas.

For as this drama was quickly unfolding, Sibelius was shrieking with maniacal laughter, "You may win this round, Messieurs Snowman and Claus, Gwahah swaswa! But it is I, Sibelius, who will be the cause of your last laugh! It will be your last laugh! Whowah gwagh a-ha! Until next time, we shall live to do battle on another day!!!"

Now picture this: A disheveled man walks with an uneven gait into a train station. He smells badly of Moscow Mules, apricots and new car smell. He slowly draws a long, thin, highly lacquered wooden baton from his filthy coat, and motioning to the nearest person, who happens to be you, he says, "You, you're going to help me destroy Christmas! Gwah!"

Or picture this: You find yourself in a dark farm field during a snowstorm. A man staggers into view as he exclaims:

"So it appears that it is I, Sibelius, the maestro, who will have the last and final laugh! A laugh that I shall now demonstrate for you....

"MwahahaHAHA Gwarhar-tar-FWAR A-AH!!!!"

You look down and see Santa Claus lying motionless in the snow about six feet in front of you.

You then notice the smoking barrel of the pistol that you hold in your left hand.

You then look and see the bodies of eight or nine reindeer scattered about in the snow just beyond Santa.

You then realize that you are holding a high caliber rifle in your other hand.

"It is I, Sibelius, the greatest composer of all time, who shall be known the world over as the one who apprehended the man who killed Santa and his reindeer before blowing up his sleigh! Blawhaha Gwahah Gwah!"

And with that final "Gwah", you hear a loud explosion, after which, bits and pieces of Santa's sleigh fall to the ground around your feet.

"Whawhaha jawhagraw!"

The smell of raw onions, menthol cigarettes and Old Spice aftershave is nearly unbearable as Sibelius cackles in the moonlight. He waves his baton madly as if to conduct the stars of the night sky as his unholy orchestra.

"It will be the greatest tragedy ever written! The story of you, the enemy of all Earth's children, and how I, Sibelius, was the one who brought you to justice! Gwahah Hwawa!

"It'll take every musician on the planet to perform, and it'll be entitled, Sibelius' Infinite Symphony: The Day Santa's Killer Was Reduced To A Pile Of Ash!!!

"And there will never again be presents for the children!!! Gwahah hrawhuzzah flawaw!!!!"

Or picture this: You awake and your house is filled with the stench of raw onions, household degreasers, gingivitis, licorice, menthol cigarette smoke, day-old White Zinfandel, and Blue Mountain coffee beans.

You walk into your kitchen and find a disheveled man who is hunched over, covered in some sort of greasy slime and wearing a pair of dark sunglasses. Seeing you, he snubs his cigarette out on your countertop.

“We now enter the end game, you and I who is Sibelius, the greatest composer of all time. Gwahah.

"You have been Sibelius' little pawn in the most epic battle to destroy Christmas while making Sibelius the most celebrated composer of all time!

"Gwar-haha-blaag!”

You look at the countertop next to Sibelius and see that he has placed the head of Frosty the Snowman in your microwave oven. The smell of blue cheese and old hard-boiled eggs briefly overwhelms you.

Frosty looks directly at you out of the microwave oven, and you are surprised to see that the pieces of coal and the carrot that form the features of his face beneath the brim of his velvet top hat are composed as if to say, "Don't worry kid, I've got this all under control."

"You have a very serious problem right now, my dim little friend. Because I am Sibelius, the greatest composer of all time, and you are a mediocre talent who could not discern a fiddle from a violin! Gwahah heehehee Bwah!"

Sibelius' baton hovers close to the microwave oven's DEFROST button. Frosty winks at you through the glass door.

"Gwag hahaAHAHA Cah!"

Sibelius leans forward so that he can look into the microwave; Frosty's expression goes blank, but you can see that he's fighting to suppress a smile.

"Laugh all you want, snow man. Gwah! But there is nothing he can do to help you now. Your fate is sealed in that microwave oven with you.

"You see," Sibelius turns back to face you as a portion of old sandwich falls out of his beard. The smell of Russian rye, Black Forest ham, Jarlsberg cheese and rancid Miracle Whip fills the room.

"You see.... Santa and his reindeer are at this very moment on their way to this house! Old Saint Nick thinks that he can rewrite the past by changing the future! He will claim that he and his reindeer were merely taking a little nap tonight, as they had finished their delivery of presents to every child in North and South America, and they wanted to rest before flying across the Pacific!"

"You're finished, Sibelius. You might as well give up right now," shouts Frosty the Snowman from inside the microwave oven.

"No! It is you who are finished and it is I, Sibelius, who the world knows as he who captured the one who harmed their beloved Santa! Hgawawhgah!!!"

And with that, the entire roof was torn off your house and the walls crumbled to the ground leaving only the fireplace and chimney standing in the cold nighttime air.

"Gear-ha-gwaw!" Sibelius' long, thin wooden baton moved toward the microwave oven, but before he could tap the defrost button, a burst of snowflakes filled the space and Frosty's body kicked the door of the refrigerator open, knocking Sibelius to the floor!

Suddenly, the sound of jingle bells filled the air and Santa Claus blasted out of your fireplace, strewing red bricks, candy canes, and Christmas stockings everywhere! And Horst Lundegaard came running from the street, grabbing Sibelius with his mighty hands, thus preventing his escape.

Santa then walks over to you, and clapping his hand to your shoulder, he says, "Thanks for covering for me, boss."

Frosty the Snowman, his head and body now reunited, says to Santa, "You took your sweet time, old man."

Ignoring Frosty, Santa reaches into his big bag of presents and withdraws a long, thin scroll of paper. He hands it to Horst Lundegaard who presently unravels the parchment to reveal that it is a musical score. He reads the title for all to hear....

"The Night Santa and His Reindeer Took a Little Nap in D Minor, by Jean Sibelius."

"No!!!!!" Cries Sibelius. "You cannot use my genius to rewrite history and change the past! Only Sibelius, the greatest composer of all time has that power! Grwak-groowah-Oh no-Oh no-Oh no!!!"

"Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes," replies Frosty the Snowman. "It's got your name on it right here, so it must be true. S-I-B-E-L-I-U-S!" Frosty motions with his corncob pipe, tapping out the letters of the maestro's name under the title of the piano sonata. 

Taking the sheet music from Frosty, Santa holds it at arm's length and eyes it through his bifocals, "Not only did you NOT destroy Christmas, it would also appear that you've plagiarized large portions of Beethoven's 7th Symphony in A Major with this little sonata of yours, Sibelius."

"You're a fraud, Sibelius!" barks Frosty as he winks at you; his stovepipe hat sparkling with snowy glitter in the moonlight.

"No! Beethoven stole those notes from me! I am the greatest composer of all time!" cries Sibelius as he tries in vain to escape Horst Lundegaard's mighty grip. The smell of garlic cloves and moldy Velveeta cheese takes your breath away.

"I doubt the world will see it that way, my unfortunate little friend. In fact, I do believe that it is we, and not you, Sibelius, who will in the end, have the last, and final laugh. A laugh, that I'm afraid, you know all too well: Ho Ho Ho; Ho Ho Ho... Merry Christmas!"

And that, my friend, is the story of how you, Frosty the Snowman, Santa Claus and Horst Lundegaard saved Christmas, and why all the children of the world know your name. 

Special thanks to Jeremy S. for help with this blog post! - EC

The 4 Modes of Creativity: Lessons Learned from a Hat

Contributors:

Polish Fingers – Artist, brewer, demolition expert, decaf coffee drinker, lives in Minneapolis, MN.

Edmund Callipeaux – Artist, college instructor, lives in St. Louis Park.

M.C. RibEye – Musician, getaway driver, a friend to garden gnomes, lives in St. Louis Park

Guy Cheblo – Radio personality, corn expert, adventurer, lives in New York, NY.

Good afternoon, you are listening to “Above the Fold with Guy Cheblo: News About News Makers.” I am your host, Guy Cheblo, and my guests today in the studio are our good friends, and award-winning authors, Polish Fingers and Edmund Callipeaux. We are excited that we can spend the entire hour today talking about their wonderful new book.

Hello, Guy. Glad to be here.

Hello, Guy. It’s a pleasure to be here this afternoon visiting with you and your listening audience.

I should say that this is National Public Radio, and we are broadcasting from our home base at the K-N-O-W studios in beautiful downtown St. Paul, Minnesota. I am here today to talk with you about a very important book that has recently been published jointly by Edmund and Polish about (if you will) the “Art” of “Creativity”.

And don't forget M.C. Ribeye, he's a key collaborator on this project, Guy.

Thank you, Edmund. Duly noted, there are three authors sharing the accolades: Edmund Callipeaux, Polish Fingers, and M.C. Ribeye, Esquire. If I am to understand correctly, M.C. is on the line, right now, calling in from Florence, Italy where he is lecturing on the secrets of Renaissance Hats and Creativity. M.C. Ribeye, are you there?

Buongiorno, Guy. Ciao Edmund and Signore Fingers!

Va bene. A questo momento, sto settando nell'ombra del Duomo a Firenze. C'è un ristorante piccolo dove sto bevando un Friuli-Venezia Giulia Pinot Grigio che è molto raro e oscuro. Tutti questi subito dopo ho mangiato un vitello parmigiano molto bello e rico. Il vitello era la cosa più perfetto che ho messo nella mia bocca nella tutta la mia vita. Sè non bevo o mangio una cosa più per tutta la vita, ancora sarei l'uomo più allegro nel tutto mondo.

Speriamo che viaggiare in Italia con te. La tua storia è magnifico! Ma, una domanda. C'è un gelato a questo posto?

Polish Fingers, I did not know that you were fluent in the Italian language.

Oh, that's nothing, Guy. Polish Fingers can speak 8 languages fluently. It's truly amazing.

Actually, I can speak 10 languages total if you count Love and Computer Coding as languages.

Interesting, so we have the whole gang here and the book is called, The 4 Modes of Creativity: Lessons Learned from a Hat. Edmund, can you walk us through the title and its inspiration?

Yes, Guy, I'd be happy to. Basically, the concept for the book was inspired by a hat that I bought. I realized right away that I could wear this hat several different ways, or in different styles, or modes, if you will, and that each mode connoted a certain attitude or position of some kind.

And here you're alluding to the names of the first four chapters of the book?

Yes indeed, Guy. If I wear the hat this way, the hat is in Work Mode.

I should interrupt you here, Edmund, to say that those in our listening audience who are not yet familiar with the 4 modes by which the hat may be worn, you can simply go online and see Edmund, his very self, modeling each mode. Although, I dare say that there are likely very few people across the world that are unfamiliar with Edmund's hat modes, given the overwhelming popularity of the book!

Right, thank you, Guy. Like I was saying, this is Work Mode. If I move the hat like this, it's in Business Mode. Now if I change this a bit, the hat's in Discovery Mode, which is a very important mode for a hat to feature. There's not many hat's that have a built in Discovery Mode.

And what is the final mode, the fourth mode of the hat, Edmund?

Well now, that is of course, Relaxation Mode. All work and no play.... The hat wouldn't be complete without a full Relaxation Mode option, now, would it?

Can I interject here? This is Polish Fingers speaking; the modes of the hat are an important key to understanding how everything in life is interconnected. You can't have Work Mode without having the hat in Discovery Mode for a while before that. And it would be worthless to have a hat that's only capable of Business Mode. What would you do business with if you had no work to show? And what would business be worth if you couldn't enjoy the finer things in life? Which is exactly why you need a Relaxation Mode. What would you do with a hat like that?

I have to agree with you PF, if you're constantly in Business Mode, you're missing the point. I understand that Business Mode is very important, but I just watched the Florentine setting sun make the Mysterious Green Flash as it disappeared from sight behind the Giardino di Villa Strozzi. People who have hats that are only capable of Business Mode don't notice things like the Mysterious Green Flash of the setting sun.

Discovery Mode

Work Mode

Business Mode

Relaxation Mode

That is absolutely true, isn't it? So, now, with the four modes of the hat articulated and demonstrated so superbly, how did the book come about?

Well, you can't talk about the book without talking about lunch.

Yes, "lunch", that is an important concept within the book. You devote many chapters to the idea of lunch and it's connection to creativity. You say early on that a full 50% of Creativity is Lunch. And there are in fact very many chapters, it would seem, that have luncheon as its main topic. This is within a book with very many, many, many chapters overall. I'd like to hear you speak to the importance of lunch, but I am also very curious to hear how your group of collaborators decided on the total number of chapters for such an important book?

Well, the book weighs in at just over four thousand pages. That's not including all the appendices, the index, the footnotes, and the glossary of terms. There's some disagreement over the actual total number of chapters. Officially, it's 76 chapters, but there are some who say there are 104 chapters, and still others who claim to have arrived at a completely different count of chapters. I think that it's safe to say that there is no agreement on the total number of chapters, even amongst us, the book's authors.

Can I interject here? This is Edmund speaking, the point is not how many chapters there are, the point is that within the realm of creative thinking, there are rarely fixed points, like an exact number, or an exact color, or the perfect way to wear a hat. There's a million perfect ways to wear a hat! So, I know that the New York Times Book Review made a big deal about the variable number of chapters....

But, if I might jump in on this point, here, Edmund?

By all means, Signore Ribeye....

What you're driving at is that the creative person isn't, or should not be limited by a previously established sequence of numbers. 

Exactly.

3 does not always need to be followed by the number 4.

Correct.

Plus, we had zero budget for the editing of the book and I think that that's one of the potential reasons for so many errors. It was a necessary decision for the hardcover to ultimately retail at $19.99.

Are you referring to instances, such as those that can be found in chapter six, which is titled, Lunch for Beginners; it appears to be written entirely in html computer coding?

Yes, Guy, that was me, Polish Fingers. Being fluent in computer coding, I often write in that language to save time. Somehow, throughout the entire process of writing and editing, no one noticed that that chapter was written entirely in html, and so it went to the publishers as is, and that's what they printed. Still, even after that, it was a full 6 months before anyone noticed the error.

But maybe it wasn't an error, and perhaps it helped the overall message of the book? This is M.C. Ribeye talking again: maybe creative people are flexible and they are used to the idea that they don't know everything? And just because you can't understand something, doesn't mean that it's wrong, or that something is a problem.

So it appears that the question of the total number of chapters in the book will remain unanswered and a mystery for all of time?

Yes, that is probably true. I think that there are many issues surrounding the book that could possibly never be resolved.

Polish Fingers, you’re talking about the elephant in the room, correct?

Oh yes…I am.

You're speaking of course about the overall message of the book. A message that the San Francisco Chronicle and Examiner jointly termed: "Hopelessly Optimistic". 

Yes, Guy, that is what we're talking about. Optimism and believing in the creativity of our fellow people is why we wrote this book. I don't care if it has been called hopeless optimism, I believe that pessimism and ironic detachment in life are dead ends. Positivity....

I'm sorry to cut in, but Polish Fingers, you are absolutely right on the mark! Positivity is the key...and humor; humor and having fun are important aspects of the creative process. It could be said that this interview would not be happening if humor was not a factor in our creativity. To quote Ben Franklin: "The jester is most often the soothsayer!"       

Well, I'm not exactly sure if Benjamin Franklin said that, Edmund, but it is a nice sentiment nonetheless. And I'm afraid that the clock on the wall is telling me that we are nearly out of time, which brings to a conclusion our hour of conversation. I myself found it indeed to be an exhilarating and thought-provoking hour! And so, from all of us at National Public Radio, I'd like to thank our guests M.C. Ribeye, Edmund Callipeaux, and Polish Fingers.

Thanks, Guy.

Thank you!

Grazie a mille, Signore Cheblo!

I'd like to especially thank our executive producer, Gary Fromelles, as it is his 20th year anniversary producing our show. We couldn't have made it this far without you, Gary, or T-Bone as he's know around the office. If I myself were wearing a hat, I'd tip it in your direction. Bravo, good sir!

And with that, we'd like to thank you, our listening audience. This is Guy Cheblo signing out and reminding you that the most important news is always found Above the Fold.

The 4 Modes of Creativity: Lessons Learned from a Hat

"I can see that the amount of hat book chapters can be one number for one observer, but may not be for another observer if the observers are in relative motion. E = mc^2" - The Big D

The Chapters:

0. Antonio’s Proverb: Learn to Creatively Visualize The Most Incredible Thing You Never Saw

1. Discovery Mode

2. Work Mode

3. Business Mode

4. Relaxation Mode

5. 50% of Creativity is Lunch

6. Lunch For Beginners

7. Advanced Lunch

8. Grand Luncheon (Newtonian Luncheon)

9. Extended Grand Luncheon (lunch is important)

10. Setting Up Your Workspace 

11. The Masterpiece Creation Zone (MCZ)

12. Brownian Motion and Hats

14. The Total Museum Quality Effect

15. Zero Gravity Hour

16. St. Paul-style vs. Minneapolis-style 

17. When the Rods Of Your Retinas Revolt!

18. Safety
18. Perfection Times Ten Is Just Perfect

19. Engaging Genius Mode 

20. When Photons and Synapses Collide!

21. Safety part 2
22. Using the Passing Lane on the World Wide Web

23. Shake The Devil's Hand, But Make Sure He Doesn't Follow You Home

24. No Narcissists: Expanding Your Pronoun Usage Beyond I, Me, My, Mine, Myself, and More

25. The King Midas Conundrum: What To Do When Everything You Touch Turns To Gold

26. More Safety

27. When To Elevate and When To Go Prone

28. Why Good Things Happen To Good People

29. The Simulacrum: The Lie That Tells The Truth

30. The Nobility of Vacuuming

31. Safety: Lessons Learned, Again

32. Euclid's Law of Creativity: (√π x Phi x Form) ÷ Function = Awesome!

33. On Piloting Holes

34. What To Do When You're Trapped In An Elevator

35. The Peter Pan Effect

35. Discussing Your Artwork and Becoming the Parlance of Our Time

36. Your 22nd Century Mind

37. Water: The Universal Solvent

38. Safety Revisited
39. Ten Steps for Breaking The Rules

40. Phasing Out The New

41. Surfing The Leading Edge 

42. The Rebirth of the Renaissance

43. Living With Good Outcomes

44. Intuit: In to it!

45. Safety FAQ

31. The Fourth Dimension is Time: And It's On Your Side!

33. Tapping into the Fifth Dimension and the Dawning of the Age of Creativity

32. We Don't Just Do It, We Just Do It!

30. Answers: How the Framers of the Constitution Framed Their Artwork

29. Closed Doors and Open Windows: What To Do Within A Tornado Of Creativity

28. On Replacing a 5-Gallon Jug of Water on a Freestanding Water-Cooler While Wearing Sunglasses in a Darkened Art Studio 

27. Benedict Thunder-Fox: On Creativity, In His Own Words

27. Growing Rhizomes of Creativity While Sowing the Seeds of Genius

33. Don’t Quit It, Be Exquisite!

33. The Syllable Sleuth: The Key to a Well-Placed Rhyme Scheme

33. How To Use A Level & Plumb Bob

34. Creativity FM: Broadcasting at 1,000,000,000 Watts

35. Unlocking The Truth About Innovation

36. Who’s Your Daddy? - The Importance of Familial Connections vs. The Pitfalls of Nepotism

37. Jamming to the Moon: Improvisation in the Workplace 

17. Maximum Entropy: Your Creative Process Is Heating Up! 

18. Safety: No Open Toe Shoes

19. You're A Voyager On The Good Ship Creativity

20. Heavy Weighs The Crown: With Amazing Lunch Options Comes Great Responsibility

21. There's More To Light Than ROY G BIV: Painting With Pure Electromagnetic Radiation 

22. The Space Between Your Ears, A Creative Nexus

23. On Slaking Thy Lime

24. October thru September, Your Most Poductive Months 

25. On Mirrors: When The Student Is Ready, The Teacher Appears

25. Why Not Prague?

26. Rebooting The Creative Volcano: Musings From Inside A Tiki Bar 

27. Safety part 3: Don't Put That In Your Mouth!

28. You're the Captain of Liquid Space on the Seven Seas of Creativity

32. Expanding Your Skill Set: Going from Well-Rounded to Great-Rounded

42. Toward Zero Waste: Composting Your Old Ideas into Mental Fertilizer 

43. Painting in 3-D: The 3rd D is Dioxazine Purple 

44. Advanced Canvas Building: A Stable of Staple Staples and Staplers

47. Take Your Aesthetic to New Heights by Getting a Top Floor Studio

48. The Self, The Sublime, Beauty, and 5 Other Tenets of Modernism That You Made Short Work of with a 16 Gallon Craftsman 2.0 Horsepower Wet/Dry Vac

69. Masterpiecing: Some Painters Paint Paintings, You Masterpiece Masterpieces 

56. Canvas Stretching: Dandy Eddie's St. Paul French-Style Soft-Pull vs. Jeremy's Minneapolis-Style Extra Hard Polish Pull

25. Cosmic Events and Your Studio: Using Supermassive Black Holes to Condense and Collate All Your Ideas into One, Easy-To-Read Flowchart 

26. The Tortoiseshell Paradox: What Came First, the Tortoise or the Shell?

27. Your Fluid Mind: Easily Fluctuating in Viscosity from that of Cold Steel to Argon Gas  

10. History: How to Make It, and How to Safely Store the Leftovers

11. Low Hanging Fruit is Still Fruit

12. How To Gel Like Raspberries On Canning Day 

13. On Being So Avant-Garde That You've Nearly Caught Up With Yourself Again

14. Go Big and Go Home: How to Unwind After a Long Day Using a Pantograph 

15. The Liminal Artist: On Not Being a Gas, Nor a Solid, but Existing on the Threshold of Somewhere In Between

16. Knowing When to Know that Everyone Knows that You're a Superstar, What to Do When/Right Now

17. You're Going To Need A Bigger Cup: What To Do When Your Cup Runneth Over

18. What To Do When All Your Dreams Come True: 6 Easy Ways To Gauge Whether You're Sleeping or Awake 

19. The Oliphant Resonance: Vibrating Beyond the Key of Perfection 

20. Don't Cop-Out, Use Cop Lingo In Your Studio: "What's Your Tape Measure's 10-20?"

21. The Salad Days: Exercise Your Youthful Indiscretion When Ordering Salad At Lunch

24. The Pen is Mightier than the Sword: 50 Art Making Instruments Rated in Relative Mightiness 

25. To Be Disturbed and Not Disturbed: Finding Solace in the Madness of Genius 

27. You Can't Afford to Not Read This: The Cost of Not Reading the Fine Print Before Signing Contracts

27. Twenty-Seven Reasons Why Chapter 27 is the Most Important Chapter in this Book 

27. On Becoming a Doctor of Lunch: How the Ph.D in Luncheoning is Redefining Art Education 

27. You've Disproved Zeno's Dichotomy Paradox by Actually Touching Your Brush to Canvas, Now Get To Work!

28. On Reducing Your Creativity's Relative Atomic Mass While Increasing Its Velocity and Dimensionless Storage Capacity 

29. Mirror Mind: On Reflecting the Times in Which We Live with Ultra-Flat Paints and Polyurethanes 

33. It is Never a Bad Idea to Prepare for Global Volcanic Catastrophe!

19. Anti-Fungal Powder is Your Friend

20. When Genius Turns to Madness, and Vice Versa 

23. Small Talk: 1,000 Pleasantries and Anecdotes to Spice Up Your Social Presence

45. The No Spin Zone: Damage Control Techniques to Combat Artistic Vertigo

92. How to Integrate Excellence into Your Skill Set!

44. Safety: Do You Paint the Painting, or does the Painting Paint You? 10 Helpful Hints for Using Oderless Mineral Spirits

45. You've Discovered the Fourth Kind of Triangle, Now Put It To Work!

28. Campbell's is Naming a Soup After You: Cream of Genius!

46. The Right Kind of T-Square for Every Job 

47. That's The Sound of Marine One Landing On Your Studio Roof: Next Stop, White House Dinner in Your Honor!

48. Quantum Creativity: Ideas That Exist as Both Particle, Wave, Chunk, Bushel and Cubic Yard

49. Putting to Work the Unused Quarks that are Just Laying Around Your Studio

50. You Can't Make a Painting Without Breaking a Few Eggs: Is Tempera In Your Wheelhouse?

51. The Perpetual Motion Machine is Your Mind, Set To Maximum Mach!

52. On Eliminating Resistance and Converting Ohm's Law into Pure Creative Amps & Volts

53. Put It ALL To Work!

54. Your Artwork Explained in the Key of D Minor

55. Answers: Why Are Students of Fashion Shadowing You With Cameras, Clipboards and Those Flexible Cloth Tape Measures?

56. You Can Do It: On Reinventing the Wheel

57. Painting in Zero G: 5 Tips for Painting in Space

58. When You're Trapped in an Elevator, part II

59. On Fonts

60. The Sweet Smell of Success Mixed with Damar Varnish, Linseed Oil and Victory

61. Flagrant vs. Fragrant, Don't Confuse the Two

62. The French Horn Plays Your Theme Song

63. On Mountains and Molehills: 6 Steps to Reach your Peak

56. Doomsday Prepping: It's Not Just for Grandma Anymore!

57. On Putting the Hammer Down

58. Safety: Reaching for the Stars with Fire-Resistant Gloves 

57. Takin' it Two Days at a Time: Your Guide to Increased Productivity 

58. No Secretes: Your Creative Process Exposed!

59. Keeping it Moist: Mediums Are The Message

60. Get Your Sparkle On: Getting Gussied Up For Your First Retrospective 

61. The Miles Davis Principle: Take Your Paintings on a Free-form Jazz Odyssey 

62. Jazz Up Your Paintings: Syncopated Brush Marks

63. On Setting the Bar & Standards

64. Too Hot To Handle: Painting on a Spaceship Orbiting 92.96 Million Miles Above the Sun

65. Setting Your Table: Preparing a Creative Feast

66. Setting the Mood: Get Your Groove On

67. A Brief Guide to Breaking the Law of Entropy 

68. A Breifer Guide to Breaking the Zeroth Law of Thermodynamics with Cobalt Blue

68. A Feast of Excellence 

69. MyFace: Mobilizing Your Social Media Potential 

70. Wanna Be Startin' Something, Thriller, Don't Stop Till You Get Enough and Five Other Painting Lessons from the King Of Pop.

71. The Wheyward Artist: Applying Your Genius to the Art of Cheese Making

29. Safety: Beating the Heat Through Prehydration 

30. Using Space Management To Optimize Your Time Management 

31. The Punch List: Lunch Is Always At The Top

32. You've Achieved Cold Fusion, Now Get To Work!

33. A Thing Of Beauty Is A Joy To Behold, That's Why People Are So Happy To See You

34. You Need 20 cc of Creativity, Stat!

34. On Making Basecamp And Hitting The Creative Summit In The Morning

34. The Hat's In Work Mode: Set Expectations To Grandiose 

35. Creativity, An Unexpected Journey  

21. Practice is for Losers: a Winners Guide To Doing

42. What To Do When You Make All The Right Decisions

43. Turning the Sublime into the Highlime And Putting It To Work

44. Safety: From Papercuts to Puncturing Your Femeral Artery, What To Do When

44. Soft Openings & Beta Testing: What You Need to Know

49. On Minotaurs & Heroes: The Labyrinth of Creativity  

50. DNA: Deoxyribonucleic Artworks - The Building Blocks of Greatness  

51. Left Eye Warm? Right Eye Cool? Are Your Cones Balanced?

52. VOC: Volitile Organic Creativity, Safe Handling Of

53. Clean Up

54. Lunch: A Fixed Point In Time

55. The Creative Milliner: Choosing the Perfect Hat

56. Reaping the Benefits of Creativity with Sickle, Brush and Damar Varnish

57. Discovering The Unknowable, a Story of Your Life

57. Gesso: Correct Pronunciation Of Using The King's English

59. Reinventing the Wheel the Way It Should Have Been Done The First Time

60. Gastrointestinal Peristalsis: The Mortar & Pestle of Creativity

62. Coming In Under Budget: Neither A Borrower Nor A Lender Be

61. Upgrading Your Hat To Stealth Mode

62. Advanced Business Mode: The Hat Needed For Meetings With Tricky Clients Like Sauron, Darth Vader and the Terminator 

63. Safety: Upgrading to Fashionably Practical Protective Eyewear (FPPE) 

64. From Absolute Zero to 1,000,000 Kelvin: The Story of Creativity In 60 Seconds

65. Know Your Viscosities!

65. The Truth About Everything But That One Thing

66. Sparkling, Colossal and Indestructible: Your Creative Process Described

67. The 67th Time You Had The 2nd Best Idea Of Your Life

68. List of Assets: The Sands of Time, the Wheels of Industry, the Windmills In Your Mind, and a Milwaukee M12 FUEL 1/4" Hex Impact Driver

69. Tier 3: Aristocracy - Harnessing the Essence of Splendor

70. Relaxation Mode: Hitting Snooze and Sleeping In While Meeting Deadlines

36. On Raging Into The Night And Other Empirical Data Gathered Through Your Creative Process  

42. Checks and Balances: Not In My Studio!

43. The Right Way, The Wrong Way, and 10 Other Ways to Get the Job Done

44. Steering the Zeitgeist from the Comfort of Your Studio

45. Friday's Dress Code is Creative Casual

45. Next Level Creativity: Tapping into the Champaign Super Nova of Your Mind 

48. GET TO WORK...On Your Lunch

48. Brunch is Not Lunch: Navigating the Treacherous Path of Mankind's Insidious Obsession with Time Consolidation

49. Studios: Put it all on Casters!

50. Lunch is a Sacred Place: Protecting Your Creative Nest Egg from Interlopers, Anti-Lunch Fascists, and the Elderly

44. Your Intellectual Property: The Story of a Real Estate Mogul 

44. On Holding Your Finger To The Wind And Finding That It's Blowing In Your Favor

45. A Creative Approach to Approaching Creativity: The Genesis of Creation

46. To Smee or Not To Smee: What the Immortal Bard Can Teach Us About Piracy and the Differing Schools of the Piratical Arts

46. Your Mind Is Packed So Tight With Ideas, It Has A Gravitational Pull (see also Appendix xi: On Drawing and Why People Are Drawn To You) 

31. Dos (and Don'ts): What to Do When Doing is No Longer Enough

33. Don'ting is Not an Option: When the Doing is Done

35. Expanding Your Success Ratio By Eliminating Your Negativity Lexicon: Do I say Don't if the Ends Justify the Means? (Hint: Don't)

32. Accident Recovery: Shake It Off!

40. Rise From the Creative Ashes: Two Wrongs Made a Right!

41. The Creator's Secrets Revealed: How to Fold Your Map to Success

42. Stay in Your Lane: When to Aspire and When to Inspire

36. Do Your Wurst to Do Your Best: The Proper Sausage Usage for the Ambitious Artist

37. Safety & Miter Saws: A Round Table Discussion With 10 Buccaneer Vascular & Orthopedic Surgeons on the Benefits of Hooks & Pegs for Hand & Lower Leg Replacement 

38. Safety: You Can Handle The Truth With Nitrile Powder-Free Gloves

39. What Force Majeure Means To Your Creative Process

40. Interesting Safety Fact (ISF): You Can't Be Armed For Success If You Lose Both Your Arms In A Horrible, Yet Easy To Avoid Shop Incident 

41. Mental Moonshine: The Intoxicating Effects of Your Distilled Ideas (see also Chapters 42-50)

42. Binging On Creativity

43. Quaffing Creativity

44. Creativity Blackouts 

45. Apologizing for Creativity Gone Awry 

46. Summertime Creativity on Ice and with 2 Limes

47. Get Creative: It's After 5 O'Clock Somewhere!

48. DWC: Driving While Creative - Buckle Up!

49. On Keeping The Creativity Party Train Rolling All Night Long

50. Hair Of The Dog: A Little Creativity In The Morning Never Hurt Anyone 

12. Feel the G's: Managing the Properties of Oil Paints with Gamblin's Galkyd & Gamsol Mediums

13. When the Existential Enormity of Life's Wonder Grabs You, Put It To Work

10. Brokering a Deal with the Smithsonian, Best Etiquette 

70. Safety's 3rd Golden Rule: 2 Eyes & 10 Digits

14. Scholars Discover the Latin Name for Your Creative Process: Os Amnis Rex!

11. Can't Imagine What Will Happen Next? You Won't Be Able To Say That After Reading This Chapter

12. Solution & Solvent: Glamorous Protective Eyewear 

13. The Friar, The Squire, and The Canon's Yeomen Coauthor Your Biography: "Pilgrims to the Edge of Greatness, and Back Again"

14. Today's a Tabula Rasa, Tonight We Dance: Your Creative Process is in Full Effect!

15. Demand for Your Work is Hotter than a Carolina Reaper Chili Pepper: Over 2.2 Million Scoville Heat Units!

16. Biodynamic Creativity: Thanks to the Moon, Your Work Always Looks Great

17. Secrets Revealed: Discovering Not Only How to Dig Yourself Out of a Hole, but also Ditches, Caverns, Chasms, Canyons, Sinkholes, Moats, Gullies, Bottomless Pits, Quicksand, and, if Necessary, the Mariana Trench

18. The Creative Dew Point Explained: Conditions are Prime for Ideas to Form in Your Mind

19. On Putting a Pork Pie Hat to Work: Benefits & Common Pitfalls 

20. Take It To The Next Level With A Tyrolean Hat!

21. Call Me Old Fashioned: Why the Old Fashioned is the Contemporary Artist's Friend

22. The Bumblebee's Physics-Defying Aerodynamics and What It Means To Your Creative Process 

23. Outlaw Mode: A Treatise on the Hat Stylings of Jesse James, Snidely Whiplash, and Robin of the Hood
24. The Legend of Nastro-Misurare the Terrible, the Tape Measure Owned By Leonardo da Vinci 

25. Gesso: The Painter's BBQ Sauce; Slather It On, Sand It Smooth

26. The Artist's Barometer: The Pressure is Dropping While Your Confidence is on the Rise

70. On Your Sudden Rise to Greatness and Why Osmo Vanska Tapped You to Play the Canons in the 1812 Overture

52. Clamping: 10 Strategies for a Successful Squeeze

53. Don't Sweat the Small Stuff: Creative Aerobics 

55. The 5th Season is the Season of Creativity

56. Next Level Clamping

57. On Plains and Planes, Don't Confuse The Two

58. Clamp City USA: On Creating a Diverse Clamp Workforce 

58. This Is Pure Gold!

59. O'er The Clamparts We Watched: How the Founding Fathers Firmly and Painstakingly Clamped Their Way into Nationhood

60. The Secret History of Clamps: What They Don't Teach in History Books and Why They Don't Want You to Know It

61. The Clamps They Carried: How to Leave Your Clamp on History

62. P.O. Boxes and Postage Meters: What You Need to Know Before Shipping Hazardous Materials

63. Inflammable Means Flammable: Ambiguous Prefixes with Potentially Grave Implications

32. On Chachi, Chaka, Charo & Chewbacca

33. Safety: Cutting with a Sharp Blade While Cutting a Mean Profile

64. The Art of Clamping: Know Thy Self and Know Thy Adhesives, a Thousand Substrates and a Thousand Victories

75. A Chapter Taking a Page out of the Book of Creativity

74. Today's Creative Thinkers: Solving the Problems of Tomorrow Today and the Problems of Today Yesterday

65. Alexander Goodspeed: A 21st Century Clampwright's Story, In His Own Words

66. Count Dracula On Clamping vs. Staking

67. Creative Juices: Toward the Optimum Beer/Coffee Rotation 

68. One Clamp Away From Greatness: the Proper Board for Clamp Storage

69. Going On A Creative Safari? Don't Forget To Bring The Love

66. On Accepting Compliments About Your Work: Do It! 

70. Turn of the Screw: The Power of the C-Clamp

71. Just Screw It: 10 Tips for Successful Drill Usage

72. Get A Grip: 5 Practical Ways To Use A Quick-Release Clamp

75. The Clamping Stick: Further Thoughts on Clamp Storage

73. The Clamp That Clamps For Thee and Other Useful Shop Tools

19. Creativity, Clamps & Hats, a Recipe for Success

20. Your Earth-Shattering Ideas and the Clamps That Will Be Needed to Hold the Whole Thing Together

21. How Not to Use a Vice Grip

22. All Aboard! Next Stop: Success

23. To The Victor Go The Spoils? The Etiquette of Spoils and Riches

50. You Are Impervious to Attack: Measure What Your Critics Write in Inches 

51. Cash Money on the Barrelhead: On Getting Paid

52. Artist at Work - -  That Artwork Works!

24. Painting In The Present Tense

25. Creativity Now, and in a Little While

26. Justice: Do It!

71. An Argument for the Evidence Showing Your Artwork to be Self-Evident

71. Did You Say Phenomenology? (Don't Read This Chapter...Get to WORK!)

27. Your Studio: The Creative Resonance Residence

27. Every Creative Bone in Your Body Listed A-Z

28. Your Morning News: You'll Wake Up and Smell the Coffee, and You'll Drink It!

29. On Liquid Creativity and What is Needed to Make it Boil 

20. Listening with Your Eyes: What a Painting Can Tell You

21. Stand and Deliver! Your Artwork is in High Demand!

22. The Dedication Zone: Full Commitment to Your Artistic Acumen

14. Pūr Creativity: GMO-Free Creativity With No Carbs and Half the Sugar

15. The Artist's Butlers: A Staedtler #2B Pencil and Magic Rub Rasoplast Eraser

16. The Tour Leaving in 5 Minutes will be a Journey Through the Landscape of Your Imagination 

25. To Work! A Call To Action and Soon, Lunch

26. When Stockholm Calls: You and the 1st Ever Nobel Genius Prize

36. Doing What They Said Cannot Be Done Before, During, and After Lunch

45. Training Your Neurotransmitters to Work at Twice the Speed of Light 

71. On Showing Up to the Race and Winning Everytime

72. It's Just Like Playing the Lottery, You'll Always Win

73. They're Adding a New Wing the to White House and They Need Art, So Get to Work!

24. When Only The Best Will Do: An Hillbilly Luggage Primer

17. How to Hold Your Tape Measure Once Your Body Has Dissolved after You've Achieved Total Consciousness

18. Hose Management: Taming The Silent Beast

19: Stacking Paper: Best Practices 

20. Crib Notes for Your Hall of Fame Acceptance Speech

21. Welcome to the Future: 21st Century Janitorial Skills

22. Pricing Your Work in Today's Market: You'll Need a Nuclear-Powered Calculator

23. Moving On Up: A Freight Elevator Primer

24. Your Second Wind As It Appears on the National Weather Service's Radar

25. Safety: Treating Ball Peen Hammer Injuries

26. Fight or Flight? Always Choose Nonviolence and Always Choose the Beer Flight During Lunch at Your Local Brewery

27. Smooth Move: Spackling Your Way to Victory 

28. 20/40 Vision: learning to See With Your Mind's Eye

29. Your Chakras Are Aligned, Now Get To Work!

30. How To Be A Better Space Captain Of Your Studio Space

31. Master And Commander: On Piloting Your Destiny

32. Teaching Your Nose How to See: Unconventional Sensing

34. The #4 Filbert, the Telecaster of the Brush World

35. Wood Sandwich! 5 Ways to Satisfy Your Hunger for Plywood and Other Laminates

36. An Axe to Grind: Sharpening Your Implements for Success 

37. Make a Salad! Combining Fresh Elements in Your Paintings 

38. Make A Stew! Slow Cooking Your Paintings, Let 'Em Simmer!

38. Coming or Going? – Homonyms, Homophones, and When Wordplay Crosses the Line

39. Bacchus to the Basics: Identifying the Roots of the Troublemaker Mentality

40. The Importance of Being Ernest – The Jim Varney Effect

Part 3 - Finance

41. Checks and Balances: An Accountant's Guide to Corporate Austerity

42. Romancing the Loan: Pros and Cons of Private Investors

43. Chexcercise: Taking the Work Out of Working Out

44. Creativity: The Circle Without A Center

44. Mapping in 3-D the Intersection of Synergy and Innovation

45. The Shortest Distance Between 2 Points Is Your Mind!

46. Charismatic? 10 Rules For Ruling The World

46. Corridors of Liberty: Rumination on the Paths of Our Forefathers

47. A Cut Above The Cut You Just Mastered

48. Harnessing Creativity & Turning Up The Volume On Life

49. On Mirrors, Magnets, Smoke Machines, Pulleys, Lasers, and Time Travel

47. Safety: Supernovas and 100spf Sun Block

48. Transcending Originality

49. Understanding Infinity Is Knowing Your True Potential

50. Creativity By Any Other Name Would Smell As Sweet

51. When Your Best Is Better Than Anyone Could Imagine

52. Using The Large Hadron Collider To Measure Creativity

53. On Being A Conductor On The Freight Train Of History

54. Defying the Laws of Thermodynamics: 5 Simple Ways To Create Energy With Your Artwork 

55. Making Time For Lunch

56. Using Your Mind's Eye To Find Your Missing Tape Measure

57. Safety: Working With High Voltage

58. Glitter Usage: Making The Ordinary, Extraordinary

59. What To Do When You're Amazing

60. The Atlas Transfer: Smiling While You Carry The World On Your Shoulders

61. The Thrifty Alchemist: Turning Student-Grade Tubes Of Oil Paints Into Timeless Works Of Art

62. On Being Celebrated In Song And Dance

63. Upgrading To Creativity 2.0

64. Your Mind Is An Open Book, And It's A Good Read!

34. When to Abandon Reason for Madness, and When to Maintain the Status Quo 

35. Pump and Munch: Pumping Up Your Lunch with Pumpernickel 

36. You Have Front Row Seats To Your Own Creative Process

37. Figment Pigment: In Search of the Never Before Seen Color

38. The Once and Future Artist: On Using Excalibrush for Good, for Evil, and for Painting

39. Sh*t Just Got Serious: How to Use Profanity in Your Artist Statement without Offending the Easily Offended

40. John Williams Performs Your Theme Song with a 10,000-Piece Orchestra 

41. Go Sweet & Sour: On Making Sweet Artworks While Making Sauerkraut Part of Your Lunch Lexicon 

28. Four is a Magic Number: 40 Amazing Facts the Songs of Your Childhood Failed to Teach You

29. Turning Your Artist Statement into an Artist Exclamation by Asking the Right Questions

65. Arming Yourself For Success

67. Studio Visits

68. The Shoe That Fits, And How To Wear It

69. Lunch: Going Meta With Your Creative Process

70. Engage Your Inner Editor

70. Less Is More: An Axiom That Has No Use At Lunchtime

71. The Multivalent Hat

72. SAFETY in all upper case letters
73. Mind Problems and Thought Experiments

74. Your Studio Door, A Portal To New Dimensions

75. Are You Ready For Concierge Level?

76. Safety: Lifting With Your Legs 

Appendices

i. It Takes A Village, Thoughts On Team Building

ii. Postscript: When Was Your Last Accident? Further Thoughts On Safety. 

iii. Traveling To The Event Horizon: There's No Turning Back When The Wheels Of Creativity Are Set Into Motion
iiv: Recycling

iv. On Being A Juggernaut

v. Guess Who's The Captain Of Your Life? (Hint: It's You!)

Glossary of Terms:

Chorganize: Advanced organizing beyond your wildest dreams. Those who chorganize always know where to find their tape measure.

Chexercise: Exercising times one or two million.

Creativity: A power within you that knows that you cannot see things as they are, but only how they can be.

Lunch: 50% of Creativity. The most important event of the day.

Grand Luncheon: Sir Isaac Newton first coined the term Grand Luncheon in 1665 while naming his well-known mathematical postulate for full creativity, where Y is any whole number, X is any irrational number, and C is a clubhouse sandwich: (.25C x Y) + (.25C x X) times π times .25C + another .25C = AMAZING CREATIVITY

Extended Grand Luncheon: This concept assumes that the participant has luncheoned long enough to account for the first 50% of creativity and also the second half, or remaining 50% of creative to harness a full 100% of Creativity. There are only 12 living people, and another 16 personages historically that are known to have experienced a full Extended Grand Luncheon.

Tape Measure: Something that is always lost.

---------

Special thanks to Jeremy S., Grant W., the Big D, Jon R., and Tomo for help in writing this blog post. – EC

Relaxation Mode in Full Effect

Discovery Mode Engaged! What New Worlds Await?

Business Mode is Happening. Remember the first rule of negotiation: whoever is the first to speak, loses!

Work Mode: Go from doing the work of 1 person to that of 50 people with the simple adjustment of the hat!

In Relaxation Mode Posing With A Ham.

Eating a clubhouse sandwich made with the finest cold cuts is just one activity you may enjoy while in Relaxation Mode.

In Relaxation Mode with the Ham (pictured now here) on the Stairway to Nowhere!