Friday, September 19, 2014

You've Got 30 Seconds...



You’ve got 30 seconds.

Now, what I have here are the biggest ideas to hit television in a generation!

25 seconds….

First is a concept packed with intrigue, adventure, crime, crime fighting, and justice!

Tick-tock, tick-tock. I don’t have all day….

Okay. It’s a fish out of water story. The main character, Edward Country, or Ed Country is a small town kid who went to law school and moved to the big city.

I’m listening….

He goes to work cleaning up the big city with the help of his new friends.

And the show is called?

“Country Justice.”

I like it. Who are his friends that help him clean up the big city?

First off, you’ve got “Pa Booker”, an old-timer gold prospector who’s Ed Country’s next door neighbor. Pa Booker takes him under his wing as a mentor and helps him solve crimes.

Interesting.

Pa Booker is always using prospecting wisdom to help Ed Country. He’s the sage tough-guy that helps the young rookie kid. He’s a cross between Obi Wan Kenobi from Star Wars and Sam Elliott in the movie Road House.

Who do you see for Pa Booker?

Wilford Brimley.

And you can deliver on Brimley?

I called him 6 weeks ago and told him to stop trimming his moustache so that it’s extra-bushy for when we start filming. He’s in.

I like it.

Pa Booker lives across the hall from Ed Country in the condo on Wash Street in the big city. While helping Ed Country with his ideas and plans to solve crimes, he’s always saying things like:

“That plan reminds me of the gold nugget I found panning for gold on the Missouri River back in the spring of ’89…. Pure Gold.

Or, to Ed Country’s idea to foil a bank heist:

“That idea reminds me of the vein of gold that I found in the Comstock mine back in ’92….  Pure Gold.

So Pa Booker’s catchphrase is, “Pure Gold”

Yes. True and true.

I like it. What else do you have?

Pa Booker is bound to be a big hit with the 10 – 45 age group. So after the first season of Country Justice, we’ll write him into his own spin-off series.

Interesting. What’s the concept?

The show is called “By the Book”.

I like it.

Pa Booker is a middle school teacher that helps kids with their problems in adolescence using prospector wisdom. He’ll keep his catch phrase, here’s a script sample…. 

Billy: “If I practice real hard so that I can perfectly recite the entire Knights Who Say Ni scene from Monty Python’s, The Holy Grail, then Bad Bobby the Bully will finally leave me alone!”

Pa Booker: “Now Billy, that plan does not remind me of my #7 incisor, which is Pure Gold. It reminds me of my #32 lower molar, which is full of holes and is pretty much useless.”

That sounds like pure gold. But let’s go back to Country Justice.

Yes.

So, you’ve got Pa Booker, the prospector with gold mining sage wisdom to help Ed Country. Who are the other characters?

There’s the nemesis.

Who could that be?

His name is Matt Cello.

That’s a good name.

Matt Cello will always be adding a “Ch” sound as a prefix of sorts to augment words without changing their meaning.

How’s that?

He’ll say “Chello” instead of hello, “Chawesome instead of awesome, Chexcellent” instead of excellent, “Chordinary”, “Chumid”, and so forth…. “Cheasy” instead of easy.

I like it.

Matt Cello is the king of the underworld, but he pretends to be Ed Country’s best friend. They’ve known each other since they were children. Best friends from both sides of the tracks. Ed Country is slightly younger naïve, fish-out-of-water hero, whereas we have Matt Cello as a country-kid-turned-bad-turned-big-city-crime-lord villain.

And he and Ed Country are best friends?

Yes, and to make things more amazing, Matt Cello has a twin brother who is the crooked chief of police.

What’s his name?

Mathias Cello.

That’s a great name.

Thanks. After a few seasons, we’ll reveal that Matt Cello and Mathias Cello are one and the same; that they’re secretly the same person! No one will see that coming!

That sounds incredible!

And wait until you find out who their father is!

Now, let’s hit the pause button here. I know that you’re very enthusiastic, but I don’t have all day to get bogged down in the minutia. We need to move on.

Sure, okay.

However, I’d like to know…. Who do you see for Ed Country?

I see an unknown for that part.

Anyone in particular?

Me.

Interesting. That could work.

What else do you have?

Okay, next I have: “The Barrister Barista!

I’m not following you.

The setting is in the “London” coffee shop. It’s the story of a lawyer, or what the British call a barrister working in a coffee shop as a barista, which is a fancy name for someone who makes coffee. The main character, Ed London, is the great, great, great grandson of the author, Jack London. The whole thing takes place in San Francisco, which is where Jack London was born.

That sounds complicated.

The story basically revolves around people coming into the London Coffee Shop with zany legal questions, and most of the regulars at the coffee shop are poets and aspiring writers, so there will be a lot of literary humor.

Hmm. What sort of jokes?

I’m not exactly sure at this point. I’m not particularly well read, so I was planning to farm out a lot of the literary joke writing.

Let me think about this. The title has a lot of syllables, which is problematic. Who are the other characters at the coffee shop?

There’s a character named Cheese Freely. Cheese Freely is an amazing….

I have to cut you off there. I’m not sure if this works, but let’s move on…. 


What else do you have?

Okay, I do have one more. The main character is a carpenter named Ed Nicely and the series is called "Nicely Done."

So it's a carpentry show. Is it a comedy or a drama?

Neither, it's more of a "This Old House" sort of show.

Interesting.

Only rather than the show taking place in modern times, it takes place about 2,000 years ago, during the time of Jesus.

That's an original concept.

Get this.... in the show, Jesus is Ed Nicely's business partner. In each episode, Ed and Jesus go around fixing houses together!

That's the best idea for a television show that I've heard in a long time. Amazing.

I know. It came to me when I started to think that everything in the New Testament is the sort of stuff that happens on the weekends. The wedding where Jesus turned water into wine was probably on a Saturday because weddings are on Saturdays. The Sermon on the Mount was probably on a Sunday because church is on Sunday. The one where he walks on water? He was probably out with his apostle buddies on a weekend fishing trip (maybe it was even the season walleye opener?). All that cool stuff probably happened on the weekends!

Interesting.

So, the next logical question is: What was Jesus doing during the week?

That does make some sort of logic.

I figure he was probably out there working to put bread on the table, sandals on his feet, and a little folding cash in his pockets of his robes. And everyone knows that Jesus' dad was a carpenter.

That's an interesting hypothesis.

There's nothing in the Bible that says that Jesus was some sort of lazy bum who sat around the house all day laying on the couch and doing whatever they did before daytime television and TV dinners were invented.

They do say that he was a carpenter.

He probably made all sorts of cool stuff. Can you imagine the kind of finished carpentry the Son of God would have been capable? I'll bet the furniture and homes that Jesus worked on were built to last, not like some of the shoddy craftsmanship that you might find these days!

That is an interesting idea. It makes me wonder if any of Jesus’ work could have survived the test of time, and still be around today.

No doubt it has! Keep your eyes open for a little "JC" carved into the underside of a wooden chair or end table while you're walking through antique stores. You never know what you might find. Picking up one of Jesus' chairs for $5 in some old junk shop would be a total coup. You'd be able to retire!

Or, maybe the carved inscription would read “JN” because he was Jesus of Nazareth.

Too true…. Personally, I’d buy anything with either inscription just to be safe!

So the show is about Ed Nicely and his friend, Jesus Christ, and the show is called "Nicely Done." And the idea is that they go around and fix up old houses.

Yes. Let's say some nice old lady has a leaky old roof and a crumbling foundation. Ed and Jesus show up at her front door with a camera crew and the story writes itself; all we need is a good film editor.

I like it!

And it'll be filled with suspense and mystery!

How's that?

Apart from being a carpenter, what is Jesus most known for doing?

Performing miracles?

Yes….

And the potential for miracles caught live on camera during the course of each episode will be amazing!

Exactly! The audience will never know when to expect the miracles.... they’ll be constantly on the edge of their seats waiting for the next amazing thing to happen!

Right, like if they're working on building the walls of a house, Ed will say something like, "Hey, Jesus, I think that we're going to be a few 2x4 studs short. Do you want me to make a run to the lumberyard?"

Jesus will then say something like, "Why don’t you go count them again, Ed?" At which time he will find that they have enough 2x4s plus a few extras in case they make a mistake and cut one or two a little too short later in that afternoon.

That's what I call good TV!

Another fun thing is that we'll always have a camera on Jesus so that we can get some real candid shots of him reacting. Like when Ed Nicely invariably hits his thumb with a hammer and yells "Jesus Christ!"

Oh man. The potential for comedy mishaps is huge with a show like this! I could just see Ed and Jesus getting in an argument with a building inspector over some code violation. Who do you think would win that argument?

I'd have pity for any electrical inspector who cited them for putting the wrong electrical outlets in some nice old lady's kitchen! Can you imagine how anxious the audience will feel for the building inspector knowing that he doesn't have a prayer for winning that argument?

No doubt, the suspense will be incredible. But wait, I thought you said the show would take place 2,000 years ago, back in the time when Jesus lived?

Hmm. That is true. Maybe there will be time travel too.

I suppose you could not rule out that sort of thing, given the cast of characters. 

Exactly. I'm glad that we're on the same page. Minor details like time travel will work themselves out during production.

Yes, we are on the same page. It's as if we are of one mind.

When can we start filming?

I say you've got the green light! Here's a briefcase filled with money. Go to work and make “Nicely Done” a reality!

Excellent!

And here’s a check for 150-million-dollars. I’ll take the Country Justice concept too; only rewrite it as a full-length feature movie. I see Academy Awards written all over this one.

Chexcellent!

And I’ll pass on the “Barista Barrister” concept. An English lawyer working in a San Francisco coffee shop just doesn’t sound plausible.



(This post is dedicated to Erin B. Thanks Jeremy S. for help with the writing of this classic Specious Reasoning post!)

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

O’Mamacare Parts 1 & 2

 
Contributor:
Guy Cheblo – chef, corn expert, adventurer, lives in New York, NY.
1 April 2014, 6:11 p.m.
______________________

“I have news that should make your enemies extremely happy!”

These were the first words that Edmund’s doctor spoke as she entered the examination room where Edmund sat.

“Wow,” replied Edmund, “That’s exactly what my dentist said to me yesterday afternoon! Do you two know each other?”

It is true that Edmund had had an appointment with his dentist the previous afternoon. As it would happen, however, the physician and dentist have never met. But it was within this 24-hour time span that the doctor & dentist’s lives became inextricably tied to the life of Edmund Callipeaux.

It was all part of Edmund’s self-imposed “Year of Health and Wellness.” Every New Year’s Eve, Edmund sits down to determine his New Year’s resolutions, but rather than resolving to do something like exercise more, or be nicer to little children, Edmund generates a theme for the coming year. This year is the Year of Health and Wellness, last year was the Year of Profit and Loss (the lottery tickets and pull tabs didn’t pay too well for Edmund in 2013). The theme for 2012 marked the Year of Man vs. Nature, and like all great American tales of Man vs. Nature, the protagonist, Edmund, suffered terribly at the hands of Nature.

During the winter of 2012, Edmund and his wife, LeTigre, purchased the seeds for every imaginable gourd-like vegetable they could find. They scoured Twin Cities’ hardware stores and plant nurseries looking for seeds of all varieties of decorative gourds, pumpkins, watermelons, and squash. Then, in the early spring, they cleared out a neglected 10 x 10 foot garden that extends out into their backyard near the garage of the house. They pulled out all the weeds and turned in new soil and compost to revitalize the planting area. Once that was all settled, they made shallow channels in the dirt and sowed their gourd seeds, thus establishing their own personal “Gourden”.

Not long after the establishment of the Callipeaux Gourden, an electrician friend by the name of Sparks came by the house to help Edmund with some electrical work. Edmund told the electrician all about the new, wonderful Gourden and how he and LeTigre were super excited: “We’re going to have gourds coming out of our ears!” Edmund exclaimed.

“How many seeds did you say you planted in there?” asked Sparks as they stood next to the Gourden.

“About a hundred, maybe 125,” replied Edmund.

“Hmm,” Sparks said, “I grew up on a farm and I remember planting the rows 3 feet apart and sowing the seeds every 3 feet down each row.”

“Hmm,” replied Edmund.

“In a plot this size, that would mean planting 9 or 10 seeds total,” continued Sparks.

“Right,” said Edmund, “I guess we went a little overboard.”

“And you say that you have watermelons and a bunch of different varieties of pumpkin and squash?” Sparks asked.

“Yeah,” answered Edmund.

“You might want to plant all those far away from each other if you don’t want the bees to cross-pollinated the different plants,” Sparks gestured toward the beehive that was nestled under a nearby eve of the house. “You’ll get all sorts of crazy mixtures of blue with orange pumpkins and things like that.”

“Hmm,” replied Edmund as he thought to himself, “That sounds like good advice, but I’m not going to do that. It goes against my lazy and avoiding exercise modus operandi. Once a Gourden is planted, it’s planted; there’s no going back…the die is cast!”

And so the Gourden was left as is, and within a few days, sprouts began to break through the topsoil. Days later, Edmund counted 85 little green vines peeking up out of the dirt, and soon there were many more. Edmund figured that the Gourden needed protection, so he set a little garden gnome on a flat stone at the head of the Gourden and dubbed him “The Lord of the Gourden!” To help the Lord of the Gourden, Edmund placed Hephaestus Gnome nearby to help with the blacksmithing of any garden tools, or to supply weapons for the newly forming gnome army to ward off rabbits, deer, raccoons, young children, etc., etc.  Dionysus Gnome was also put in the Gourden because out of all the gnomes, he has the most experience with vines. Odysseus Gnome also joined the group to remind everyone that tending a Gourden is an epic adventure not unlike those found within the pages of Homer, Herman Melville, and Jack London. Finally, Edmund put two Zombie Gnomes named Joey and Snickers at the far end of the Gourden to round out the cast of The Guardians of the Gourden.

Much to the delight of Edmund and LeTigre, the Gourden grew at a very fast pace. The vines loved their home and Edmund watered the area each day, and the gnomes tended the soil and protected the Gourden by night. In the first few weeks, the plants grew at a good pace, and a happy coexistence of vines, gnomes, and humans thrived in the Callipeaux backyard. Edmund was a little disappointed to learn that none of the seeds they had planted were magic beans, and that it wasn’t possible that one of the vines would start magically growing up into the sky. LeTigre explained that fairytales weren’t actually true events and that even if they were, they hadn’t planted any actual beans. Regardless, Edmund tried to train one of the vines to go up the rain gutter downspout to the house, because even though it was May, he was already thinking about the forthcoming “Year of Profit and Loss”, and how a goose that lays golden eggs would be a most advantageous acquisition.


The newly planted Gourden with 
Dionysus Gnome at the upper left.


Odysseus Gnome out on an adventure in the Gourden.
Later in May, Edmund and LeTigre traveled to Australia leaving the care of the Gourden in the hands of their younger cousin, Little D, and the Guardians for about three weeks. During this time, Little D mowed the lawn, watered the Callipeaux plants, and oversaw the development of the Gourden. And by development, I mean to say development in terms to how a city block is torn down and "developed" by a developer into high-rise apartments, office buildings, shops, a gas station, a small park, etc., etc. Although in the case of the Gourden, the developed area would be more akin to a 1-mile by 1-mile square area being ripped out, leveled, laid to waste, and "developed" by British Petroleum into a massive oil refinery with hundreds of miles of interwoven pipes and tubes running every which way in a big tangle.

If you've ever seen one of these refineries, then you know what I'm trying to describe. Architects for these complexes base their designs on a couple hundred pounds of cooked spaghetti pasta that are thrown onto a scale model of the surrounding landscape with little cutout cardboard trees and scrubs, and little plastic toy people to demonstrate scale. In the Callipeaux's absence, the Gourden grew at an alarming rate as the mass of vines raced out across the lawn, growing 1 or 2 feet a day while devouring everything in its path. In fact, the reckless, all-consuming, "destroy everything in my path" growth pattern of the Gourden would have made every greedy oil tycoon that has ever lived jealous as hell and greener with envy than the greenest leaf of the one million green leaves of the Gourden itself.


Then, just before the Gourden hit critical mass, the Callipeaux's returned home from Australia, and the vines of the Gourden erupted with flowers. They were incredibly beautiful as the mostly yellow and white flowers added chromatic contrast to the green leaves and dark soil. Little D and Edmund stood and watched the ballet of bees and bumblebees scurry from flower to flower like mad scientists conducting the most abominable genetic experiment of all time while they cross-pollinated squash with watermelon with pumpkin with gourd. 

Flowers of Doom!


Unknown at the time to Edmund and Little D was that these flowers were harbingers of doom as each would ultimately yield a vegetable (hundreds of them!). To acquire the needed energy to support this massive effort, the Gourden sucked all the light from the sky and all the nutrients from the ground as it grew and grew and grew! It devoured the yard like a herd of hungry hungry hippos eating marbles in the game, Hungry Hungry Hippos! To keep up with this amazing growth, the Guardians of the Gourden worked double-shifts raking and weeding while singing and dancing their little hearts out. They did their best with the limited resources they had at hand. To keep gnome morale high and cheerful, Dionysus Gnome threw parties in a neighborhood of the Gourden that they called “Oz”. (The gnomes called this area Oz because they discovered gourd growing there that looked exactly like the head of Ray Bolger without his Scarecrow makeup on.)

The Upscale Oz Neighborhood
Despite all attempts to control and manage the Gourden, the task proved to be too great for the brave yet small contingency of gnomes. The Dog Days of summer brought even more sunlight, heat, and humidity that the Gourden gobbled up and converted into more and more vines, gourds, and chaos. The Gourden didn’t know when to stop itself, and at precisely 3:14 p.m. Eastern Time, on August 16, 2012, the United States Department of Agriculture officially listed the Gourden as having hit critical mass. The Callipeaux backyard stood on the edge of oblivion.

Little D and his grandpa, The Big D termed it: "Gourdageddon".

Never in the history of humanity has a more apt title been ascribed to a good Gourden gone bad as the name Gourdageddon. The Callipeaux backyard became the Field of Gourdageddon in exactly the same way that John the Evangelist described the place where the end of days play out in the Book of Revelations. High above the Callipeaux backyard, a host of angels gathered, and looking down upon the unearthly vegetable scene they sounded trumpets to signal the opening of the Seven Seals of the Seven Vintage Lunchboxes of the Rapture, each containing a different calamity.

The Terrifying Lunchboxes:

1.     Kung Fu
2.     Mickey Mouse Club
3.     Empire Strikes Back
4.     Starsky and Hutch
5.     The Muppets: Pigs in Space
6.     Incredible Hulk
7.     Donny and Marie



Pestilence swept through the backyard when the 1st Seal on the Kung Fu lunchbox was broken. Mice and weird-looking bugs invaded the Gourden and pinned the Guardians with their backs against the garage wall. Foul winds and rains raged as the once mighty gnomes of ancient Greek and Roman namesakes were decimated by the powers of the Old Testament. With the Guardians no longer in control of the Gourden, a wave of slugs slimmed up the place and made their burrows deep within the vines. The opening the 5th lunchbox, the Pigs in Space lunchbox, brought mold to the Gourden causing large swaths of leaves to turn black and dusty. Despite this reckoning, the gourds, squash, pumpkins, and watermelons flourished and grew larger and larger each day, standing their ground against the forthcoming rapture. The opening of the Incredible Hulk lunchbox brought a hailstorm that shot thousands of holes in the leafy support structure of the Gourden, decimating its light gathering power source. And the opening of the 7th Seal on the Donny and Marie Osmond lunchbox brought forth the final blasts of trumpets, and with it, the Four Horsemen of the Gourdapocalypse! 


In truth, no living being witnessed the final moments of the Gourden. However, as one of Edmund's aunt's is fond of saying, "Never let the truth get in the way of a good story." Hence, the above description of the Callipeaux Gourden and it’s ultimate downfall is mostly true with a few minor embellishments to add literary flair and interest. One thing, however, that is absolutely true is that the destruction of the Gourden was swift and merciless. It was a complete and total decimation. 
All that was found after the Desolation of the Gourden!

One September morning, the Callipeaux's walked out into their backyard, with their morning cups of coffee in hand to find that the Gourden had completely disappeared! Every gourd, squash, watermelon, and pumpkin was gone. Every vine was gone! Every leaf, every curly-Q-viney thing, all the roots and stalks of the vines were gone…all GONE! Absolutely every shred of organic matter had vanished into thin air! The Gourden had been reverted back to a mere flat area of dirt. Strewn about were the fallen Guardians. Hephaestus Gnome was lying on his side and covered in mud near the garage. Odysseus Gnome was found under a pile of leaves more than 15 feet from the main battle area. The Lord of the Gourden was never found. He fought to the bitter end and was consumed along with the plants of the Gourden that he loved. The only Guardians that were found unmolested were the Zombie Gnomes, Joey and Snickers. Evidently, the Archangel Gabriel and the Devil chose not to mess with Joey and Snickers for some reason. Probably because Joey and Snickers are so cute and freaky-looking.

Joey (right) and Snickers (left) in happier times with their best friend, Jeremy (center).
So if you ever find yourself in St. Louis Park, Minnesota, on a mid-September morning, stop for a minute or two to see if you can hear the tolling of little bells. You’ll be able to hear the Callipeaux Gnomes playing homage to the Battle of Gourdageddon with a requiem knell. They ring the bells in the hope that the Lord of the Gourden is still out there trying to find his way home.

And that was Edmund's Year of Man vs. Nature.

Edmund was happy when he was at the museum during the Year of Man vs. Nature.

Flash forward to 2014, and to the Year of Health and Wellness, and we find that Edmund has formed a comprehensive to-do list:

1.    Get haircut
2.    Get eyes checked
3.    New glasses
4.    Get hearing checked
5.    See doctor about snoring
6.    Go to dentist

"I've been on the Head Transplant List at the Mayo Clinic for over 20 years now. Not sure if anything will ever come through on that surgery, so I think that I should try to fix up the head I currently have and make the best of it," Edmund said one morning in early January. LeTigre knew better than to respond to a statement like that, so instead, she handed Edmund a card with a phone number for the dentist that takes care of her.

As the first few weeks of the year began to pass by, Edmund ticked through the items on his Health and Wellness Action Item List. The haircut went extremely well. The ophthalmologist said his vision hadn't deteriorated much since his last examination. So Edmund got new glasses with fashion frames and progressive lenses.

In mid-February, Edmund met with his new dentist for a general examination to determine a course of action for his dental care. During the visit, the dental assistant took Edmund's blood pressure and it was higher than the preferred 120 over 80. Those readers not familiar with the numbers related to blood pressure: the first number indicates the arterial pressure when the heart flexes. The second number reflects the pressure when the heart is at rest, or when it's between pumps. 

Edmund first learned about these blood pressure numbers back in 2008 when he had his annual physical examination. Actually, it had been several years since Edmund had visited a doctor for a check up. Edmund wasn’t good about keeping his doctor appointments.

The first thing the nurse checked was his height and then she checked his blood pressure, and it was elevated. (Clarification: His blood pressure was elevated not his height - - in fact, he had actually shrunk from being 5'10" his entire adult life to 5'9"). His blood pressure was high enough to cause concern with the doctor, 165/110 to be exact. So the doctor had it checked several more times to make sure the reading was accurate. Edmund hadn't had his blood pressure checked in many years, so they had no history to use to understand why it might be elevated. Anxiety can cause blood pressure to go up, and so the doctor asked Edmund about his level of anxiety. To which Edmund replied:

"Well, now that you mention it...I was a bit nervous coming to the clinic today."

"Do doctors scare you? Do I scare you?" asked the doctor.

(Skipping ahead to the end of this story, Edmund was ultimately diagnosed with what is called “White Coat Hypertension”, meaning that doctors scare him enough to spike his blood pressure.)

"Well," said Edmund, "I guess that I am a bit anxious today."

"Why's that?" asked the doctor.

"Well.... Are you planning to check my prostate?" asked Edmund.

"No," replied the doctor.

"Really?" asked Edmund.

"Really," said the doctor.

"Are you sure?” asked Edmund.

"Yes," said the doctor.

The ironic thing about Edmund having White Coat Hypertension is that for one, Edmund is married to a physician, and second, the Family Medicine doctor who was quizzing Edmund about his blood pressure history is one of the nicest people on Earth. What’s more funny is that Edmund’s wife, LeTigre and the Family Medicine doctor worked in the same clinic and both knew each other. So when the doctor asked Edmund if he was afraid of doctors, Edmund didn’t know how to reply and started getting nervous again.

Flash forward six years and Edmund had had several annual physical examinations and his blood pressure readings had been fine. However, he skipped going to the dentist for 10 years, and so he knew he was nervous about this appointment, so he wasn’t surprised hear that his blood pressure was higher than the preferred standard.

It was elevated, but not enough to worry the dentist. She and Edmund discussed his history with White Coat Hypertension and she tried to reassure him that everything was going to be fine and that his teeth actually looked pretty good. (Only one cavity!) They set a series of appointments to fill the cavity, do a teeth cleaning, and fix a chipped molar. Edmund was well on his way to knocking everything off his Health and Wellness Action Item list, and it wasn’t even the end of February.

The first week of March saw Edmund’s return to the dentist’s office. When he laid back in the chair for his teeth cleaning, the dental hygienist took a reading of Edmund’s blood pressure and it was elevated to the point where he felt it necessary to consult the dentist. Edmund explained his White Coat Hypertension again and that seemed to put the hygienist at ease. Additionally, the dentist gave the okay to proceed with the cleaning.

The pain was crazy. The hygienist didn’t drill Edmund like Cosby describes, and there was no anesthetic. They used a jet water stream of some kind to blast the plaque off Edmund’s teeth below the gum line. When the cleaning procedure was complete, the hygienist took Edmund’s blood pressure two more times and it had risen to 220/120.

Needless to say, the dentist told Edmund to see a doctor and get to the bottom of this whole White Coat Hypertension dilemma. So let it be known that his dentist saved Edmund’s life! 

Edmund has big plans for the years ahead: 2015 will be the Year of Permitting and Records. Edmund is planning to petition the DMV to use the image above as his Driver’s License photograph.


The Callipeaux Gourden as it spread from the back of the garage!


The Guardians of the Gourden are swamped with work!


A rogue vine sets off in search of new lands to dominate!


A Gourd!

O'Mamacare Part 2

Contributors:
Guy Cheblo – chef, corn expert, adventurer, lives in New York, NY.
Leadership 5 – woodworker, camping enthusiast, day trader, lives in Missoula, MT.
Rex Vermouth – philanthropist, veterinary ophthalmologist, lives in Kenwood.
Kidpowertool – unemployed dairy professional, lives in Key West, FL. 
Polish Fingers – artist, brewer, demolition expert, decaf coffee drinker, lives in Minneapolis, MN.  
Quarter Dutch – part-time IRS receptionist, third-person omniscient, lives on the East Side. 
Merle Higgins – curmudgeonly outdoorsman, lives in Minneapolis, MN. 

11 April 2014, 2:00 p.m.



Okay, so I'm here today with.... Well, how do I introduce this wily group? We probably need to do introductions, but I feel that we need to jump right in and get to the story at hand and the reason why we're all here together.

Don't you agree, Leadership 5?

Yes, Guy...or shall I say, Mr. Cheblo. You look so official sitting in this sound studio surrounded by all this high tech gadgetry. You know that I've been a fan of your show for many years, and we've talked about doing something like this for a long time....

Yes, L5, and that reminds me.... You are listening to "Above the Fold with Guy Cheblo: On the Leading Edge of News with Newsmakers." I am your host, Guy Cheblo, and with me today are gathered a cohort, if you will, of Edmund Callipeaux's friends, family members, well-wishers, non-well-wishers, etc., etc.

(Mild laughter)

Guy, you're a crack up. (Unknown voice)

.... And I should point out as well that THIS IS National Public Radio, and we're broadcasting live today from the K-N-O-W studios in beautiful downtown St. Paul, Minnesota. I have with me here, Leadership 5, who've we've just heard from; Kidpowertool, one of Edmund Callipeaux's oldest and dearest friends who is also a Senior Fellow at the Edmund Callipeaux Institute for Global Initiatives, based in New Orleans, Louisiana; Merle Higgins, who needs no introduction; and Rex Vermouth, the publisher of the online blog "Specious Reasoning: Creative Nonfiction Regarding the Life of Edmund Callipeaux". I am happy to say that we are also joined by a very special guest, Edmund’s mother, Mama Snoozer. Mama Snoozer is the founder of what we all know as “O’Mamacare”- - and we are all extremely excited that she can join us this afternoon.... Perhaps she'll share her health and wellness tips with us this afternoon.

Thank you, Guy. I’m tickled pink to be here today! And I’d love to talk to you, and the rest of America, about O’Mamacare.

Thank you, Mama Snoozer…. We'll also be joined on the phone by a few folks that couldn't make it to the studio today, and of course, we'll be taking listener calls later in the program, so get your questions ready for our panel.

But I first want to start with you, Rex. When did you first learn about Edmund's health problems?

Thanks, Guy, and thank you for inviting me to be on the show today. Now, like most of us, I've been very knowledgeable of Edmund's mental health problems for many years. I think that the contents of Specious Reasoning would be pretty dull without those factors in play. But in regard to these recent heart issues, Edmund called me a little over a month ago.... I think that he had just found out himself.

What was your first reaction?

Well, to be honest, I wasn't surprised at all. Let's take a look at this….

For our listeners out there in Radioland, Rex has compiled a series of photos that we'll be putting up on the show’s website. You can click in there to view the images; and for members of our audience who don't have access to the web, we'll do our best to describe the visuals as we go along.


Yes, thank you, Guy. What we have here is an image of Edmund posing at his kitchen counter with a knife in his right hand that he is using to dice onions…. Or, he’s about to dice onions.

Can I interject here? This is...(sounds of a chair sliding, scratching of wood, thud/thump of microphone)...damn it. This is Merle Higgins speaking...this is a photo of Edmund looking like an insane lunatic.

Now Merle, I think that you're jumping the gun here.... Kidpowertool, can you walk us through this image of Edmund?

Yes, Guy. What we're looking at here is a photo of Edmund posing in his kitchen wearing a pair of pink Onion Goggles. He may look a bit insane, that is true, but Edmund claims that those goggles are 100% effective at preventing tears while dicing onions. No tears.... That goes with Edmund's many claims of being a tough guy who never cries.

And this we know to be a confirmed lie.

Yes, Leadership 5, that is true – Edmund is a crier and thus a liar. Do you have the current list of movies that Edmund is known to have cried at?

Yes, it's right here, and this list was last updated on March 14 of this year:

1.    The Sound of Music
2.    Mary Poppins
3.    Armageddon
4.    The Last of the Mohicans
5.    Pride and Prejudice (the BBC version)
6.    The Series 4 finale of Dr. Who
7.    The "singing episode" of Buffy the Vampire Slayer


You can also add the Disney animated film, Frozen, to the list. He watched that the other day and cried like a baby at the end when the one sister saved the other sister.

And speaking of March 14, otherwise known as Pie Day due to it being 3/14 or 3.14, was Edmund preparing a pie of some kind while wearing his onion goggles?

Well, Rex, we don't exactly know. What we do know is that those onions, and maybe a red bell pepper or two and some romaine lettuce, were possibly the only healthy food items Edmund has been eating for many years. What I just said could be an oversimplification, but even then, he's dousing everything with salt seasoning and added fat! Throughout the 90s he was known to throw an entire stick of butter into his simmering chili!

And now we're getting at the root of the 220/120 blood pressure spike, when he thereafter maintained a systolic in the high 190s and diastolic in the low 100s for about 2 weeks. Combine that with an overall Cholesterol reading of 304, tack on pre-diabetes blood sugar levels, and we see Edmund currently in the 11-percentile of dropping dead from a heart attack.... Add another 5 years and he moves to the 25% risk level.

Those numbers aren't pretty.

No, Guy, they are not. Let's just say that on Pie Day of next year (if he makes it that long) the poor bastard can knock himself out calculating the circumference of as many circles as he likes. Math is not known for its high fat and sodium content. But he better not eat any pie! Trans-fats are coffin nails!


And here we have a picture of Edmund looking rather happy, posing with a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos and a casserole of some kind.

That casserole is known as Chicken Dorito, a tasty and deadly mixture of chicken, sour cream, condensed cream of mushroom soup, and crushed Doritos, with cheese and black olives melted on top.

He sure does look happy though....

Mama Snoozer, can you pick up the story here and begin by sharing with the listeners how it was that you were brought on board with your O’Mamacare programming?

Why yes I can, Guy. First let me say that I love my son and that it’s been a pure joy to be able to help him, and educate him about healthy eating.

How did you begin?

We went shopping! I said, “Clear your schedule and we’re going shopping and I will show you what you are eating and that there are healthy alternatives!” We needed to cut sodium and cholesterol from his diet. I started by teaching Edmund how to look at the food labels while we were in the grocery store. We went to four stores the first day alone, and Costco a week later.  We completely restocked Edmund and LeTigre’s kitchen with healthy food!

If I could interject here, Guy and Mama Snoozer, this is Rex Vermouth speaking. Edmund told me about this day of grocery shopping…. And referencing back to the crying vs. non-crying claims Edmund has made over the years; he confided in me that standing in Rainbow (a local Twin Cities grocery store chain), looking at a bag of Quinoa (a food that he had never seen before), he nearly started crying right there in the store.

Really? That’s interesting.

If Quinoa makes him cry then I’d have hated to have witnessed what happened when Mama Snoozer told him that the cheese aisle was completely off limits forever and ever. He probably laid down right there on the grocery store floor and crossed his arms over his chest and asked some passing shopper to draw little X’s on his eyelids with a Sharpie marker. That poor bastard does love his cheese!

He wasn’t about to cry because he was facing a life of Quinoa pasta over wheat-based pastas, he said that he was overwhelmed by how fortunate he felt by everything that Mama Snoozer was teaching him about food. And that he was nearly moved to tears.

That is interesting.   

Yeah, he told me about this moment in the grocery store as well. It made quite an impression on him. He said that he was standing there and the reality of the situation hit him…without Mama Snoozer’s help, he would have no idea what to do, or what to look for in the store. Moments earlier they were discussing Liquid Aminos as a Soy Sauce substitute…. Years of knowledge and expertise being taught on the grocery store floor! Edmund felt so special and fortunate.

That does sound emotional.

His description reminded me of the movie, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, when Charlie's mother sings to him about keeping his head up and don't quit trying to make his dreams come true....

Dreams of visiting a chocolate factory?

Yeah, don't you remember, it was her encouragement that kept him going during the hard times.

When he couldn't visit the chocolate factory?

Mama Snoozer, did you break into song while you were in the grocery store with Edmund?

No, but I was singing in my heart of hearts!

Hey, didn't Edmund cry during THAT movie? ....The 1971 Gene Wilder version of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory....?

Oh yes, he most certainly did. Edmund turns into a slobbering pile of mush every time it's the end of the movie and Gene Wilder says to Charlie, "Don't forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he ever wanted? ....He lived happily ever after."

(Sounds of suppressed coughing and sniffling.)

Is the 1971 Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory on the crying list for Edmund?

It is now.

This is a bunch of sentimental tripe.

Now, Merle.... We need to break for the hourly news, and to pull ourselves back together, it would seem. You are listening to Above the Fold with Guy Cheblo and this is National Public Radio.

We'll be right back.

Has someone been chopping onions in here?

We should also add Bambi to the list. Edmund to this day gets choked up at the mere mention of that classic Disney film, and it was also a story about how a mom saves her son.

This is terrible. Why did I agree to do this interview?

What about Charlotte's Web? That needs to be on the list too. And for that matter, Babe.

Edmund cried during the movie, Babe? The movie about the sheep herding pig? I don't remember that movie being sad.

We'll be right back....

[News update]

Hello and welcome back. This is Above the Fold with Guy Cheblo. I am you host Guy Cheblo, and I am joined in the studio today by Rex Vermouth, Leadership 5, Kidpowertool, Merle Higgins, and Mama Snoozer, and we're talking about the recent developments with the health and wellness of Edmund Callipeaux.

Now, just before the break, someone had mentioned the spices and seasonings that Edmund has used throughout his cooking career.

Yes, Guy. It was me.

I think that this topic needs a more thorough vetting. Would you care to walk us through it, Rex?

Sure, I was talking about the heavily salted spices that Edmund used in his daily cooking. I have this image here that I believe is a good representation of Edmund’s relationship with his beloved spices.


Okay…. First off though, before I describe the photo for our listening audience, what does this image remind you of?

Moses coming down off the mountain carrying the Ten Commandments in his arms, only we have gallon tubs of Cajun spices instead of stone tablets, and our Moses doesn’t have a big white beard like Santa.

My first thought was…. And this is Kidpowertool chiming in. I immediately thought he had the air of a father holding newborn fraternal twins. One named BBQ Grill and the other, Cajun Garlic.

That was my thought as well, his hair is all tousled because he’s been pacing the floors of Labor and Delivery all night waiting for his babies to arrive. Only these babies aren’t little people, they’re plastic tubs of New Orleans’ spices that are so high in sodium that merely dumping the contents of one into the waters of Lake Superior would render the Great Lake more salty than Great Salt Lake.

Well, once Edmund knew that he had to cut sodium from his diet, he called Andy Roo, the manufacture of the spices, didn’t he?

Yes, Guy, he did. Edmund has the cell phone number of the owner of Andy Roo’s Spices on his speed dial; he goes through those spices that fast. We have a recording of the conversation, if we could queue that up and run it?
 
            “Hello, Andy Roo’s, Dave speaking.”

“Yes, hello….this is Edmund Callipeaux calling from Minnesota. How’s it going down there, Dave?”

“It’s a-going just fine, thanks for asking. What can I do you for, sir?”

“Well, I got a gallon of your BBQ Grill in October and I’m already through it.”

“Whoa, that’ll get ya….”

“Well, it would seem so. My blood pressure has become and issue and my doctor is telling me cut sodium. Can you help me out?”

“The Cajun Blackened Seasoning has no salt, as does The Stuff with No Salt.”

“Really! Well, that’s good news. Let me ask you this…. I love that Cajun Garlic you make, and I go through it almost as fast as the BBQ Grill. Can you mix me up a batch of the Cajun Garlic, only leave out the salt?”

“The Cajun Blackened Seasoning is the same stuff that’s in the Cajun Garlic, only with no salt.”

“So that’s it…the cure to all my problems? Send me those spices and run my credit card on file.”

“Sure thing, sir. I don’t know if they’ll solve all your problems, but I can guarantee you that your difficulties will have great flavor using these here spices.”

“That’s all I need. Thanks and I’ll talk to you in a few months.”

“Okay, sir. You take care of yourself up there.”

“Cheers. You too.”

 (End call)

That was enlightening. The guy has a spice factory on his speed dial. That’s impressive, I must say.

Well, let's go to the phones and take a few questions from our listening audience. We have James from South Carolina on the phone. James, what question do you have for our panel?

Ah...hello? Hello...thanks for taking my call. My question is for Mama Snoozer. I saw you speak at the United Nations about smoothies and the importance of kale last week in New York. You began your speech by repeating the word fiber eight or nine times. How has Edmund taken to his new fiber-rich smoothie morning meals? .... And I'll take my response off the air.

Well, thank you, James, for that thoughtful question. Yes...fiber, Fiber, FIBER! You've got to clean things out; detoxify! My recipe is simple, use whatever you have on hand as far as fruit and a leafy greens, although kale is the best. Start with a measuring cup filled half with water and half with carrot juice or almond milk. Add in a tablespoon each of whey protein powder, flax or hemp seed, nutritional yeast powder, and ground sesame seeds. Then, and this is very important, add a half-tablespoon of Ceylon Cinnamon powder. You can use regular cinnamon powder, but the Ceylon is the best! Mix all that in your blender with a little fruit, like a banana or some mango, and then add in enough kale to make 16 ounces.

Wow, that sounds good!

Well...it is. It's good for you! Sometimes it looks green, sometimes brown, sometimes it's pretty strange-looking. But you're not supposed to look at it as much as you're supposed to drink it! And they taste great...once you get used to them. And I'm happy to report that after two weeks, Edmund's numbers have been in the normal range: 120/80, or lower!

O'Mamacare in full effect!

Wow, Mama Snoozer. That is impressive. How is Edmund doing with his sodium intake.

Well, Mr. Cheblo. I'll have you know that he has been able to cut his added sodium to less than 2 to 3....

Grams per day?

No, Rex. Not grams. Do you know that that is exactly what Edmund's doctor asked when he was at his follow-up visit? He had started to say 2 to 3.... and the doctor asked, "Grams?" and Edmund said no, 2 to 3 hundred milligrams! It was likely that before all this, Edmund was adding between 4000 - 5000 milligrams of sodium to his meals. Now they say that you get about 700 milligrams of sodium everyday no matter what. Sodium is in nearly everything we eat. So keeping the added sodium to under 300mg keeps Edmund at or under 1 gram per day, which is well under what the American Heart Association recommends for a "low sodium diet!"

Wow, Mama Snoozer, that is impressive. How do you do that?

It's easy, Guy. I'll tell you what I told Edmund: "Cut the crap!"

Cut the processed garbage, cut the prepared, boxed, canned garbage foods that are all salt and fat and no nutrition. Get healthy! Cut the crap and eat nutritious foods! Become what I call a "Nutrivore!" Eat vegetables, eat nuts, eat fruits - - I want to get a bullhorn and go stand in the potato chip aisle, or the frozen pizza aisle of the nearest grocery store and yell, "Cut the crap, become a Nutrivore" at the top of my lungs!

I want to be there when you do that, Mama Snoozer. I'll bring lawn chairs and we'll barricade ourselves between the Hamburger Helper and Rice-A-Roni shelves.

We could print t-shirts.

Yep, boys. There's a new sheriff in town and she's cleaning house! Out with the crap, in with the nutrition!

Yes indeed, well said. It does seem that O'Mamacare is sweeping the nation, and it sounds like you're not afraid to use an awfully big broom.

Not when we're talking about the health of my boy!

Very good.... Let's take another call here. We have Polish Fingers on the line. PF is one of Edmund's best friends and longtime studio mates; and he also is one of GQ Magazine's Top 100 Best Accessorized Men of 2014, due to his world-renowned collection of antique bolo ties and jewel-encrusted money clips.

Polish Fingers, what can we do for you?

Hi everyone and thank for the kind introduction. I'm here with Quarter Dutch, who also shares the painting studio with Edmund and myself. Quarter Dutch, do you want to say hello?

Hello everyone. Can I just say too that Polish Fingers here is also the only man I have ever known to be able to coordinate the patterning of his smart plaid shirts with the grooming of his facial hair. He cuts a rather striking profile, especially when complemented by the proper bolo tie.

We have one question: How do you get flavor without any salt?

Yes, Mama Snoozer. One does recall the axiom: Fat is flavor; salt is flavor!

Well, it's all what you get used to. It's all in how you train your body. And I'm not saying to cut salt and fat completely. You can have a hamburger or a steak every once in a while, but let's be realistic here.... Can you put up those photos that we were looking during the break?

Yes.




Yeah, wow, look at that. Rex, what do we have here?

Well, what we're looking at is what's called an Egg Strata and an overly excited Edmund Callipeaux. This baked dish is made up of chunks of white bread, cheese, onions, broccoli, sausage, cream, eggs, worcestershire sauce, Cajun Garlic, and Crystal Hot Sauce.

Edmund referred to these layered dishes as opportunities to challenge the premise that you can never add too many slices of American Cheese to an egg bake.  

Are those breakfast sausages adorning the top crust?

Yes they are.

And how about these other photos?






He wasn't really eating this stuff? Hamburger-flavored deep fried rings with Big Burger Taste

Or how about this photo? Can someone explain this to our listening audience?
 
I'll do my best, but it will not be easy!

What we have here is Edmund dressed up as one of his alter egos who goes by the name of Chad Beefonneau. It's hard to believe, but there was no Photoshop used in the creation of this portrait. Edmund had received in the mail an advertizement from the fast food restaurant, Arby's...it was a giant photo of a Beef 'n Cheddar sandwich. Edmund taped the photo to his eye glasses and pulled his hooded sweater over his head and walked around the house terrorizing LeTigre.

There  is something wrong with that guy. Why are we having this conversation?

And we are running close to time here.

Do we have any final comments as we wrap things up? Rex, thanks for bringing in the photographs. They've been very helpful in understanding the situation.

Thank you, Guy. It was my pleasure. I might just add that since we have Polish Fingers and Quarter Dutch still on the line, we could quickly go over the latest affliction that has stricken Edmund.


And that being, "The Gout."

Yes...The Gout.

Edmund has gout?

So it would seem. The ball of his big toe, his great toe, on his left foot started to hurt this past Sunday morning. There had been no event that injured the area...it just started to be sore and tender, and then it evolved into something more painful over the course of a few days.

On Tuesday afternoon, Edmund was visiting his Cardiologist to discuss the results of his stress test, or Stress Ecocardiogram, when the doctor noticed that Edmund was limping when he walked.

Gout can be EXTREMELY painful. It's a pain that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

Well, the Cardiologist looked at Edmund's foot and encouraged him to go over to Urgent Care to have it looked at more thoroughly.

The Gout? Isn't that a 19th Century sort of thing? Something that old people get?

Edmund is a 19th Century man living with 20th Century dreams in the 21st Century.

I'm not sure what that means.

Rex, did he go to Urgent Care?

He did.... And they thought that it might be gout. But the blood test couldn't confirm it. Gout is caused by uric acid collecting in the fluid of the joints at the extremities of the body...the feet and hands. It's extremely painful.

But the blood sample that they pulled from the antecubital vein in the arm didn't show an elevated amount of uric acid.

So I can just see Edmund doing the math on that finding, and quickly coming to the conclusion that all the uric acid was stuck in his big toe, and not up in his arm.

Yes, that's exactly what he did.  And he asked the Urgent Care doctor if they might need to get a blood sample from his big toe.

She started nodding in the affirmative as he was in the midst of asking the question.

Oh my!

Ooo.... Yikes! Not good.

They didn't really do that?

Oh yes they did!

Mama Snoozer doesn't like where this story is going.

Polish Finger's, are you still on the line? Can you confirm these details for us?

Yes, I'm afraid that I can, unfortunately. The urgent care visit was late on Tuesday but Podiatry was closed for the day, so they sent Edmund home for the night with some anti-inflammatory medication. I saw him at the studio the following morning and he could barely walk.

He had an appointment with the Podiatrist at 2:00 p.m. and he was freaking out over the possibility of a giant needle being stuck into his big toe.

Oh wow, that sounds terrifying! How awful.

As we were standing there in the studio, Edmund's uncle, The Kraken, called and Edmund told him all about the toe and impending doctor visit. Edmund had the speaker of his cell phone turned up super loud, so I could hear the Kraken suggest that Edmund try to trick me into going to the doctor in his place! I just shook my head back and forth as Edmund looked at me with scheming in his eyes as the Kraken on the other line said, "Just give him your driver's license and tell him the address of the doctor's office. Don't tell what he's going there for!"

Needless to say, I didn't fall for it.

Lucky for you, I'd say.

Can I pick up with the story here, Guy? We at Specious Reasoning have been putting the next sequence of events together, and I think that we have very accurate information as to what happened next. 

Sure, Rex. Why don't you walk us through the encounter with the podiatrist?

Okay, Edmund goes into the examination room, meets with the doctor, and the doctor tells him right off that he's 99% sure it is gout. But the one way to make sure is to get the dreaded fluid sample from the ball/knuckle of the left big toe where it meets the foot.

He says to Edmund, "If it's alright with you, I'd like to get a sample and we'll be able to see the crystals of uric acid floating around in the glass vial. Then while I still have the needle in there, I'll switch out the vial with a full syringe of Cortisone that will immediately relieve the pain. What do you think, can I do that?"

To which Edmund replied, "No, I do not want you to do that."

To which the podiatrist said, "Well, that was a rhetorical question, we're going to do it.... You'll be fine."

Then Edmund, like most doomed people are bound to do, began to bargain with the doctor. He asked, "If you're going to go ahead with this, could you first cut off my leg just below the knee, and then give me the shot in the big toe?"

"No, we don't do it that way around here," the doctor replied as he started rearranging instruments on his little side table.

"Okay, so I'm going to first dull the area with something like Novocaine. You'll feel a little poke."

Edmund then felt a very painful poke of a needle going in right where his foot hurt the most. Then the doctor said, "Good. There you go. That wasn't so bad. We'll let the area go numb as I get ready with the other needles. That's the worst of the pain...you're in the clear here.... We're nearly done."

Those statements were lies on many, many levels. And poor Edmund couldn't do anything to slow the pace of events. Cutting off his leg was still his best and only solution to the problem. He started to wonder if he could gnaw off his left leg and hop out of the exam room before the doctor was ready with the next needle. But looking at the doctor, Edmund thought that his wide shoulders might indicate that he had an extremely successful college wrestling career. So Edmund decided not to risk irritating the guy.

And did you check out the doctor?

Yes, Guy, we did. And Edmund's suspicions proved to be right on the mark. The guy was a national champion wrestler before going to medical school.

So the needle...I imagine it was bad....

From what we can gather, the pain was beyond your imagination. Edmund could feel the needle digging around and bumping up against the bones of his foot.

(Six voices in the K-N-O-W sound studio make noises that are impossible to describe with words.)

So, it was conclusive then....they got the sample and it is gout?

Well, no. Turns out there was no fluid collected at the site. But the doctor was able to deliver the Cortisone to the inflamed area. And it did alleviate the pain immediately. So that was the happy ending to this story.

And I do love happy endings! Looking at the clock, it just so happens that we are out of time. So, from all of us at Above the Fold with Guy Cheblo, I'd like to thank our panelists and the folks who called in this afternoon. It's been a most educational and interesting hour. Although, in hindsight, I think we could have cut short the gout recap.... I think that the FCC has rules about how many times you're allowed to say the word "Needle" on the radio. And there, I just said it again...that'll probably cost me.

At any rate, thank you, our listening audience, once again for spending your afternoon with us. I am Guy Cheblo, and remember, the most important news is always Above the Fold.